Triona Trog's Blog

Welcome, New Year

2012-01-03T17:16:00.008-07:00

Well, here we go. It's January again.

January just isn't one of my favourite times of the year. Christmas is in the past, leaving behind a big pile of stuff to put away and perhaps some post-festivity melancholy. Normal routines began to end or fall apart in mid-December and often don't get going again till the middle of the month, leading to days that can feel shapeless and muddled. The weather can be cold and unfriendly. Outside it often looks monotonous, dirty or bleak. The shortest day of the year is past, but the days are still really short. Work is extra hectic and stressful. The expectations that I have for the new year feel like they are long, long way from being realized and just starting to work towards them can feel overwhelming.

Yippee!

But of course, there is every reason to believe that 2012 will be a good, interesting year. I am not even especially worried about the world coming to an end. Snicker.

I have a few days before going back to work, so I thought this would be a good time to go over some of my goals for the new year and make a plan so that they are actually achievable. I don't want to quantify things too much. What has worked for me in the past is keeping a few key areas foremost in my mind, instead of a "By this month I will have done blah blah blah" system. (Also I do a lot of that at work, so I need to dance to a different drummer when I leave the school stuff behind). But at least some of my goals have an element of urgency to them, so for those at least I will develop a more formal plan, and put it out there in the Public, to inspire people and/or to inspire accountability.

I thought it would be a good idea (another inspiration from Erin Rooney Doland) to try one Big Goal per month, instead of throwing a huge pile of them at myself at once. Much as I am socialized/inwardly impelled to Get Things Done Already, I think this is a more sane and achievable approach. There will still be room for little goals in there.

I will riff off of my list from the year-end 2011 entry. Here goes.

January

Become a more consistent meal planner / cook.

I think of all my goals this is the single most important and urgent one. Consistent is the key word. If we could become better at this, we'd spend less on eating out and would waste less food. We would consistently eat food that is healthy. Also we wouldn't be stressed trying to figure out what to do for dinner when we are tired and feeling jelly-like after work.

I have, I think, an sound understanding of what is good nutrition. I was raised junk-food free, and have never developed an attachment to fake food. I'll eat raw, crunchy, juicy, delicious vegetables over chips and sweets any day. I am highly attuned to my body and rarely overeat because overeating simply has no appeal to me.

I'm also a pretty good cook, although I'm not going to become famous or anything. I know how to make a number of tasty, nutritious meals. So I'm not lacking in skill, or general knowledge. My challenge is in two areas: 1) making cooking and food prep part of my daily routine, and 2) making eating part of my daily routine.

Challenge #1 is something that Bryan and I will have to work on together. I have some ideas for it, though I haven't yet decided what the best approach will be. I have a system that I developed in September, although that was mainly aimed toward my lunches at work. I followed it for about a month and then I stopped, because of a combination of boredom and reluctance to commit, I think.

The other idea I'm considering is the Six O'Clock Scramble. An option like this is appealing because it takes the pressure of decision-making out of it. For a small fee per month a meal plan, recipes and shopping list are emailed out. My concern with something like this is being able to customize it appropriately to our needs, especially Bryan's.

With regards to #2, it can be a challenge to fit Eating into my routine. When I am under stress, or preoccupied, I lose my appetite and find excuses not to eat because food looks yucky to me. This is a problem especially at work. People who have the opposite mental/physical reaction, i.e. they eat when stressed, often roll their eyes and tell me how lucky I am. Maybe I am, but not eating becomes a very serious problem very fast, trust me. I have gotten much better at managing this issue in the past 5 years. If I have the right kind of foods available, and stick to a strict routine with No Excuses, then I tend to do OK. However, if I skip meals even once, then I'm likely to do it again and again and again, and it takes a concerted effort to stop the bad habits. It's very important in this situation to have good, appealing food that is super easy to get. I think the best approach here is to plan at least some lunches, and continue to use the school cafeteria as well.

So in the next few days we will talk about how to make that work, and I will share the Super Plan when it gets made.

February

Save money, i.e. make a formal budget

Budgeting is another area where I have pretty sound instincts, but it has become more complicated since marriage, becoming a homeowner, developing tastes for more expensive consumer goods, etc. I think we could save more money and become better at planning for the future if we crunched some hard numbers. I already have an Excel program that my dad and I developed together for budget education, so in February I am going to customize it to our household and do some analysis. If I'm going to teach something, I might as well do it myself, right?

That's as much planning ahead as I'm going to do for now. A few ongoing goals I'll keep in mind this month:

1. Blogging

I think I'll aim for at least two entries a month. I like this idea because although it also works to blog on an "as needed" basis, I think I will become better at thinking of interesting and important things to write about if I have a number. Hey, the first one for January is already out!

2. Asking people how they are doing. I'm not going to set a number here, but I'll keep it in my mind.

Old papers thrown away, old garments cast aside

2011-12-31T00:00:00.008-07:00

It's that time of year again, the time for...........THE MEME.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?

I went to band camp!

I took 2 sick days off work. I had not taken a sick day since I started teaching full time in 2008. Of course I didn't take two in a row. I took one, went back to work, got sicker, and took another. But still it was good because I learned that work doesn't fall apart if I take a day off. That was a good lesson.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Here we go:

* Keep my household in reasonable order, both materially and spiritually. It's a lot of work. But it's MY work.

Yes, I think I have mostly achieved this. We enjoy our home: it's welcoming, clean, organized, friendly, personalized. People comment on the decor as well as the comfort and peace they feel upon coming into our home. The different rooms and spaces are well used and customized for the things we like to do.

I keep up a regular cleaning schedule. Nothing has become permanently gross or neglected.

My husband enjoys coming home and being at home. :-) I enjoy coming home.

Unclutterer.com has been a good inspiration for organizing projects. In the past few months I've become very interested in making spaces and processes as efficient as possible. There is something extremely satisfying to me about a space that is well organized, about a process that works efficiently.

I still struggle with meal planning. I started off well this year, then fell off the wagon. I have a few recipes that work well, but to keep it up week after week every day still gets overwhelming.

* Continue to create community. There's such a need for this in our lives, in everybody's lives.

I guess I'm doing OK with this one but I always feel like I should do more. There's so many people I feel like I should connect with more often, but weeks go by and it doesn't happen. It's like I need an appointment schedule to keep in touch with people.

We continue to enjoy band and the Westwinds community. I am again in Blue band (percussion) and Silver Band (euphonium). I also started taking a stepdance class with Dance Through Life this year and it's been great to meet that community of dancers. I bonded with several people at band camp in North Dakota.

However I had little enthusiasm in the latter part of the year to organize anything social, so whatever social events we enjoyed were thanks to other people's planning, which I do appreciate very much.

* Find time to journal and blog. Much as I like my busy life, my full engagement with the world, I am also a thinker and I need to contemplate. I'm not at my best when I'm chopped into five or six pieces and everybody grabbing for a bite. I need time to be whole and to allow my soul to return home.

Well, I did slightly more blogging than I did last year. I also think I managed to blog about most of the important things on my mind, which is what matters in the end. I don't feel chopped up and spread thin, so I suppose that says a lot!

* Continue to engage with teaching in creative, powerful, beneficial, enhancing ways. At the same time I need to keep School in perspective and remember that School isn't my whole identity or the grand sum total of the work that defines me. I don't know exactly what I was put on this earth to do, but I'm pretty sure it was a heck of a lot of things; I'm not a "one mission" kind of person.

I'm satisfied on this count. I've tried a few new things the past few months and have enjoyed them, and have plenty of good ideas still to act on.

I believe I've kept work in perspective. I do think about it a lot, but generally that's because it is interesting, not because I am stressing or obsessing over it (I know the difference).

* Prepare for the Next Phase.

Sure, plenty of thought has gone into this :-)

For next year....

Become a more consistent meal planner / cook.

Maintain balance and harmony in the different parts of my life.

Ask people how they're doing more often, both the ones I see every day and the ones I don't.

Read more poetry. I'm re-reading Seamus Heaney's Finders Keepers, which always makes me want to read and write poetry.

Do what I can to prepare for new challenges.

Save money.

Exercise patience and grace and humour in challenging circumstances.

Write at least 5 more blog entries than in 2011 :-D

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, again. Aw, come on people! Would you live a little already?

;-)

4. Did anyone close to you die? No. Another year that I was lucky to have everyone close to me still in my life. May it be so for many years yet.

5. What countries did you visit? Jamaica and Montana, U.S.A.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Hmmm. What about patience with people who do not share my perspective, either because they have different priorities, or because they are, er, just not that well informed? Maybe I could make more effort to be understanding of their challenges, and reach out to them, instead of yearning to conk them.

Other than that, I can't say I lack anything. I am ready to rock and roll and evolve again. Bring it on!

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I don't think there were any days in particular. There were a couple of rough months, but they ended on a sane note, hallejulah. Jamaica in February was awesome and a welcome getaway from the Alberta deep freeze. The summer was enjoyable especially the little trips, including anniversary weekend in Montana, band camp, and B.C.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Staying sane when it felt like I was sure to lose my mind. Being a good colleague at work from September to December. Being a wife my hubby enjoys to be around.

9. What was your biggest failure?

There were some setbacks and frustrations but nothing, I think, that I can't outlast and outsmart.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Good boots. It's a cold mean winter world out there.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My team at work. Wow wow and wow. They are so awesome.

The students. They have made such progress.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Appalled is pretty strong word; I'll save that one for a very dire offense. With regards to the Challenging Months, I was disappointed and angered by people whom I felt really should have done better than they did in some particular situations. But, we move on.

I am dealing with an Appalling Situation of another kind lately. It remains to be seen what will become of that.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Savings, and fun spending. Gotta watch that fun spending.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

It might sound weird, but I really enjoyed Therapeutic Crisis Intervention training in January. It gave me confidence in dealing with people in crisis. The mix of detachment, self-understanding, strategic action, compassion and common sense in the TCI approach was deeply validating.

I was glad to have a summer where I didn't have to deal with 1) a wedding 2) a broken foot. It was good to have an ordinary summer. :-)

I enjoyed having a colleague join me in teaching my program at work. I appreciate the energy, brains and heart she brings to our work. It is a privilege.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

ABBA's I have a Dream. I like the message of keeping a dream, a fantasy in your mind to remember what is really important. I've always been one who pictured what I wanted or hoped for in my mind. And often the dream does come true. Not necessarily in the details, but in the colours, in the melody.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?

I'm not exactly happier or sadder. It's like every year I get a slightly better idea of what really makes me happy, and I appreciate the things that do a little bit more. Happiness isn't just a reaction to things; it's a ritual I enact.

At the same time I have a deeper understanding of the things that are sad about life.

Also as I get older in a way I feel the need to think about, and really appreciate both the happy and the sad things in life, because none of it will be around forever. I don't want to run away from anything. I want to take everything in.

ii. thinner or fatter? Not much change.

iii. richer or poorer?

Working on that RRSP.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

This time of year, I have not the slightest desire to do more of anything. I've done enough!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Making decisions in haste, when I was under stress. A few times it felt like I was the only one who really cared about certain things and by trying so hard to get them done properly, I actually annoyed people. If I'd taken things slower, even though that was frustrating for me, I could have perhaps gotten them done in a way that was less provocative.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my in-laws in Michigan.

21. What was your favorite TV program?

House, Futurama and Big Bang Theory for silliness.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Nah, I'm not a hater, at most I am disdainful, but I am willing to give people a second chance.

If I hated anyone it would be as much my problem as theirs', probably more so.

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The piano. I am learning the piano! And it really does sound like a million colours in my mind.

24. What did you want and get?

Various kinds of musical instruments. At last count, we have:

A bass clarinet

A clarinet (2011)

A euphonium

Two Native hand drums (2011)

A tambourine (2011)

Aslatos and egg shaker (2011)

Bell set

Piano (2011)

Snare drum (2011, birthday present from hubby)

A wooden flute (2012, birthday present from Warren and Kris)

25. What did you want and not get?

The opportunity to buy out my step mother in law's entire ladies' fashion store?

Just kidding. Mostly.

26. What was your favorite film of this year?

None of them really stand out as anything special, but the final Harry Potter movie was pretty good.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

32. I'm writing this before my birthday, so I don't know exactly what I'll do. I hope I am surrounded by people whom I care about, who wish me well. Also I would like to be wearing a very warm, comfy sweater.

Update: I had a great, relaxing day with in-laws, enjoying therapeutic acupuncture, massage, and mud treatment, followed by a nap and then a delicious dinner and cake and presents. I am so thankful for all of them. I have spent two birthdays away from my home town and have been lucky to have been so well treated both times.

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

It was sufficiently satisfying. I mean, really, what more can I ask for?

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Well designed, high quality, flattering, comfortable, practical. Skimpy is out. Anything skimpy was purged from wardrobe this year and it's not coming back in my lifetime.

I liked the western look this year: nice jeans paired with attractive blouses.

Pretty tunics and leggings.

Comfy sweaters in a variety of styles for winter.

And only the best shoes and boots. Uncomfortable, unsafe and/or ugly shoes are also out of style, permanently. With the possible exception of the few times a year I wear high heels.

30. What kept you sane?

Bryan.

Being silly.

Friends and family and their wisdom from various perspectives.

Good books.

Hot drinks.

Cold drinks.

Smart, supportive people at work.

Band.

Using my rational mind to create arguments that crush stupid ideas ruthlessly.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Say what?

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

Urban renewal? I mean, I'm rather excited by the improvements to the C-train, current and projected.

33. Who did you miss?

All the people I didn't get around to hanging out with more.

34. Who was the best new person you met?

Paula from Dance Through Life. My colleague at work. Well I'd met her already but this was the first time really getting to know her.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Anger, especially about something unfair and unjust, is energizing. Lying back and taking it gets really pointless and demoralizing after a while. When you have to, take a stand, make a fuss, make it count. The truth is, it's kind of fun.

My choice for the New Year's Poem:

Te Deum

by Charles Reznikoff

Not because of victories

I sing,

having none,

but for the common sunshine,

the breeze,

the largess of the spring.

Not for victory

but for the day's work done

as well as I was able;

not for a seat upon the dais

but at the common table

Happy New Year. May 2012 bring you victories big or small, as you need them.

The Christmas Video

2011-12-22T19:30:00.005-07:00

For the Christmas video this year, I decided to post Aselin Debison singing "The Gift." Not a traditional song, but one with a meaningful message. The very best gift is to touch someone's life and change it for the better, show them some power or opportunity they might not have seen before. It is as much a gift for the giver as for the receiver, because you can't will these opportunities to happen: they just come, and you either take them, or not. It is one of life's great mysteries.

May you be surrounded by family, friends and love this Christmas.

A poor orphan girl named Maria
Was walking to market one day
She stopped for to rest by the road side
Where a bird with a broken wing lay
A few moments passed till she saw it
For its feathers were covered with sand
And soon clean and wrapped it was traveling
In the warmth of Maria's small hand

She happily gave her last peso
Of a cage made of rushes and twine
She fed it loose corn from the market
Watched it grow stronger with time
Now the gift giving service was coming
And the church hung with tinsel and light
And all of the town folk brought presents
To lay by the manger that night

There were diamonds, incense and perfumes
And packages fit for a king
But for one ragged bird in his small cage
Maria had nothing to bring
She waited till just before midnight
So no one would see her go in
And crying she knelt be the manger
For her gift was unworthy of him

Then a voice spoke to her through the darkness
Maria what brings you to me
If the bird in the cage is your offering
Open the door let me see
So she trembled she did as he asked her
And out of the cage the bird flew
Soaring up into the rafters
On a wing that had healed good as new

And just as the midnight bells rang out
And the little bird started to sing
A song that no words could recapture
For its beauty was fit for a king
Now Maria felt blessed just to listen
To the cascade of notes sweet and long
As her offering was lifted to heaven
By the very first nightingale's song

Previous year's Christmas videos:

2010 - Celtic Woman

2009 - Enya

2008 - Moya

2007 - Blue Band

2006 - Runrig

2008 (2005) - Katie Melua

Happy St. Andrew's Day

2011-11-30T00:00:00.003-07:00

St. Andrew's Day is the feast day of Saint Andrew. It is celebrated today, 30 November.

Saint Andrew is the patron saint of Scotland, and St. Andrew's Day (Scottish Gaelic: Latha Naomh Anndra) is Scotland's official national day. In 2006, the Scottish Parliament designated St. Andrew's Day as an official bank holiday. (Wikipedia)

I've been a Celtophile since I was about 13 years old - thanks, at least initially, to the band in the videos below: The Rankin Family. Canadian East Coast music was my cultural influence of choice at that impressionable age. It kept me out of trouble (mostly). Other artists on the airwaves and making waves were Natalie MacMaster, the Barra MacNeils, Ashley MacIsaac, Great Big Sea and many more. They're still out there making music, and they have broken ground for a lot of other artists and groups, even if they are not so much in the spotlight anymore.

According to Wikipedia, "Saint Andrew is also the patron saint of Greece, Romania, Russia and the Ecumenical Patriarchate of Constantinople." So, I can also celebrate St. Andrew's day based on my Greek and Russian heritage!

What better way than with a couple of vintage clips of the Rankin Family. I only discovered these a few weeks ago, and the first song, "Flower of Scotland," I have never heard the Rankins perform, and they have never recorded it. What a treat to discover this wonderful clip.

"Flower of Scotland" is a patriotic Scottish song. I don't have to care about Scottish nationalism to love this song - after all, the Rankins could sing the phone book and make it sound awesome. However, I think Scots all over the world have done an amazing job of maintaining and renewing their ancient, tribal culture. They have both kept it relevant for people of Scottish heritage and and welcoming for people (like me) who were not born into it. In an age occasionally defined by culture wars, terrorism, and general media weirdness, that is something to celebrate. Whatever the outcome of some medieval or 18th century battle, families like The Rankins are part of a true 21st century triumph. Where are my dancing shoes?

The Flower of Scotland

Belle of Belfast City (Tell My Ma) and Mo Run Geal, Dileas

I am going to see The Rankin Family's Acoustic Tour in January. After watching these marvelous old clips, I can wait!!

E-clutter

2011-11-13T15:29:00.003-07:00

I'm a regular reader of Erin Rooney Doland's blog Unclutterer . Erin's theme is "A Place for Everything, and Everything in its Place". I've never liked to have Stuff Lying Around, and in the past few years I've become increasingly mindful of the systems I follow at work and at home and how they either make life my life easier or more cumbersome. When I have a few hours to be contemplative I quite enjoy reorganizing my life and work spaces, trying to make it easier to focus on the priorities without stuff or inefficiency getting in the way.

Erin posts on both big picture matters and everyday tips (see this list of her posts by topic). Among the things she has inspired me to try lately is a mail centre.

(I've even considered giving the people in my life a copy of Erin's book this Christmas, with a gift tag saying something like "I decided not to give you anymore stuff you don't need: here's a great resource to help you organize or get rid of the stuff you do have." But maybe that would be too Scrooge-like.)

My latest goal is to clear up email clutter. Over the years I've been involved in a lot of activities, whether going to shows, taking lessons of various sorts, and travel, and I have gotten onto I don't know how many mailing lists. They aren't exactly spam, since I know the organizations and I technically have a reason to be interested in their products or services. However, it has gotten to the point where I'm getting up to 10 emails a day, almost none of which I actually read. Heck, I was even getting promotional emails from airlines I flew when I lived in Europe, which was six. years. ago. (and I haven't been back since.) Recently I had an experience that made me realize just how uncomfortable I am with companies or organizations demanding a part of my attention and mental space. They have a right to market, but I only have so much attention, and I want to be the one who decides where it goes, not some marketer. With the internet it's very easy for me to find information on any organization I'm interested in - I don't need them emailing me.

So every time I get a mailing list message that I know I'm not going to read, I've been unsubscribing. Very simple, but what a weight off my mind, and I know when I login to my email I'm not going to see ten emails I don't want to read. Such a small thing, but what a relief.

The best thing about getting rid of clutter is it unclutters your mind.

Gratitude

2011-10-20T23:05:00.004-06:00

I had some thoughts on Gratitude a couple of weeks ago, on Thanksgiving Weekend.

Holidays don't interest me a great deal, apart from the fact they mean I can sleep in for more than two days in a row. That's a very good thing. But hey, it was Thanksgiving Monday, and the Thing To Do was to write or say something (on Facebook for example) about the things in one's life one is grateful for.

So I started listing some items, or categories of items, that I am grateful for. I'm fortunate in that there are many of them and they encompass every area of my life. My categories are similar to most peoples'. I am grateful for love, family, friends, health, work, creativity, the beauty and possibility of the world, and that I have enough wealth to meet my basic needs and some left over for pure indulgence.

But when I thought about it, there was something important missing from that list. My list included only good and pleasant and comfortable things. For sure I am grateful for the good, pleasant, comfortable things in my life, but somehow it feels not quite right to focus what is good and pleasant and comfortable to the exclusion of everything else.

I had to ask this question: to what extent are we as individuals responsible for the good, pleasant comfortable things in our lives, and to extent are we just lucky? C.S. Lewis said that it's very easy to be kind to your fellow man if you have good digestion, but how do you know if the kindness come from your virtue or from your good digestion? Now don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed of the good things in my life or that I thoroughly enjoy them. I also have no problem giving myself credit for the what I have done right in my life and my just rewards. To pretend that a good thing is bad is at least as dishonest and wrong as pretending a bad thing is good.

However. If you accept (and I think one has to) that luck or fate does play a role in determining our lives, then you also have to face the fact that all of the good things we have can be lost or taken away. They may be lost through our human fallacy, or they may be lost because of forces entirely beyond our control. Either way, if the worst happens, what happens to gratitude? If I am only grateful for the good things in my life, and then they are taken away, then how could I ever be anything but a bitter, angry, miserable, ungrateful creature? I could not even choose otherwise; I would be doomed. No good things means no gratitude. Nothing. Horrible. Empty.

No, real gratitude must be about something more.

Then I realized what I am truly grateful for, as much or maybe even more than all the good, pleasant, comfortable things I have.

I am grateful for the challenges in my life. I give thanks for the things I find difficult.

Here are some reasons why.

1) The challenges in my life help keep me humble. They remind me of my limits and that I don't know everything, which helps me to recognize what I still need to learn.

2) Facing challenges helps me form community. Because I have limits, I seek out others to help me face my challenges. Facing a challenge as a team and bonding through a shared goal is one of the most rewarding and amazing forms of human companionship.

3) The fact that I have challenges and difficulties means that I have real goals. It means there are things I care enough about to work hard and sacrifice for.

4) The challenges in my life can help me to have empathy for others. But of course only if I take time to cultivate it.

5) The challenges in my life help me to appreciate the "icing on the cake," the days and weeks and years when plans come to fruition, when my soul feels like an instrument played in tune by the hand of God, when life whirls like a magic eddy in the cobalt blue river of life that goes deep, so very deep.

6) The challenges in my life help me to recognize that I am a complex, marvelous being with many abilities and needs, and that I will need all the time I have on earth to figure them out. There is no "happy ending" after which I no longer have to work at being alive. There are many endings and many beginnings and most days are both at the same time.

7) Perhaps the biggest reason to feel grateful for the challenges and difficulties in my life is this:

That they are not more than I can handle.

And that's the way it is. (The last sentence is from Bryan because I was out of ideas.)

Rhythm Rhapsody

2011-08-05T11:55:00.008-06:00

Here's something to do to wake up the mind, body and soul.

Sit back, be very still. Think of five things around you that you can hear, see, feel or sense that have rhythm.

. . . .. . . . .. . . . .. . . . ..

.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

Rhythm is everywhere.

~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . .

~~ ~~. ~~ ~~. ~~ ~~.

I am a fan of objects that make (pleasant, interesting) sounds and that allow us to capture the rhythms that exist in our bodies and environments. My world percussion instructor at IMC presented us with the idea that rhythms exists inside us and everywhere in the world - think seasons, waves, the moon, traffic, breathing, heartbeat, purring, flowers, birds, day and night - to name just a tiny number of examples. Therefore there is no such thing as "not having rhythm" - rather, one must relax and open oneself up to all the rhythm that surrounds us.

For me, feeling rhythms and letting them dance me around the garden is an essential part of being grounded and joyous in my body, and letting my soul rove the spheres in search of gigantic and microscopic epiphany. It has always been so. There were times when I let myself be squelched (itself an awesome rhythmic word) but rhythm always finds a way to break back in with a studded tambourine, turn the tables sideways, tighten the drumhead, kick away the uncomfortable shoes, play silly songs on the boardroom table, call back the saints by banging on the garbage can lid. Thank goodness for that.

Lately I've embarked on a semi-conscious mission to collect interesting noisemakers. Of course, one's own body is a an awesome collection of noisemakers. Certain objects can amplify its natural abilities.

Some months ago I saw an asalato played by one of the members of April Verch's band. (April Verch is an amazing rhythm instrument herself, whether creating swirls of energy with her fiddle or stepdancing like a human hailstorm. Don't miss the chance to see her!!)

An asalato (kitikpo, televi, asalatua, akasa, bakita, kokosiko, and kosika) is a percussion instrument from Ghana. I already like African music and dancing, and the more I learn the better I like it.

According to the Variety Arts Directory an aslato is actually a children's toy.

Picture from http://www.varietyartsdirectory.com/asalato.html

ZooZirushiHibiki plays up a storm:

I am planning to follow Lepexer1's series of video tutorials on YouTube and one day be able to play a few funky rhythms with the Asalatos. Here's tutorial 1 in case you are wondering where one might start:

First Anniversary Special

2011-07-22T13:12:00.005-06:00

One of my summer projects has been thoroughly going through our wedding and honeymoon photos and 1) creating photo books and 2) organizing them for online sharing and backup. KodakGallery.ca has proven a useful, if not flawless, tool for this project. The amount of time and energy I have spent on it reminds me of how much we usually live life in the present. Not that that is a bad thing. C.S. Lewis takes great pains to remind people (satirically) in the Screwtape Letters that the Present is the only time that humans have freedom and actuality; it is in the present moment that they are closest to the experience of the Divine.

Our histories also help create what we are in the present. The fullest way to experience the moment, I believe, is to feel time as an eddy: past and present (and maybe future, though that can only be sensed, not perceived) all existing in a circle.

So, to mark our first anniversary last week, here are a couple of people's artistic statements on Love.

Leonard Cohen's "Dance Me to the End of Love" is one of my favourite love songs - maybe the favourite, if I had to pick just one. And this video is almost as good as the song (unusual). I can't think of a better expression of love in a marriage. Bryan and I also both like Leonard Cohen, and we both enjoy dancing.

For the second piece, I just happened across Paul Ford's writing today. What a great sense he has of the comedy and drama of life. I love it (and I laugh). Bryan and I both enjoy the absurdity and humour of people (meaning ourselves, and often others). And we both like to go off on enlightening tangents when discussing anything. There's nothing like a great tangent and a great person to go on with it. (Or is that "go with it on?" I can't seem to find a grammatically correct way to say that.)

Here is Paul's essay on "100 ways to say I Love You."

http://www.themorningnews.org/article/how-to-say-i-love-you

The First Journey of the Drum

2011-07-19T14:00:00.000-06:00

A few months ago Bryan and I were invited to take part in a drum-making workshop. The workshop was facilitated by some friends who are part of the Institute for Contemporary Shamanic Studies, a personal development and spiritual education society inspired by a variety of First Nations teachings and practices. Although we are not part of that community, we thought this would be a very awesome opportunity, and gladly accepted the generosity of our friends and acquaintances in sharing their skills and knowledge.

The drums we made are traditional Native hand drums, made of animal skins and wood. Their sound and personalities come to being through the communion of their natural characteristics and history and the creative spirits of their makers. Once finished they can be used in a variety of ways - as part of ceremonies, as healing objects, or for the pure joy of being. At the workshop we learned that drums are referred to as "medicine objects." I like the term. I think all musical instruments are medicine objects, both earthly and unearthly in their power to transport and transform musician and listener. When I walk into a music store or a band room or a concert hall or anywhere there is a collection of instruments, the hair rises a little on the back of my neck and I have the feeling that I have wandered into a temple. Still, there is something primal about a drum, something that can take us back in time to the earliest instruments ever made, something that reminds me of the shared root of the words primitive ("being the first or earliest of the kind or in existence") and prime ("of the first importance; demanding the fullest concentration").

Here is the story in pictures of the creation of my drum. Bryan made one, too, with a very different personality.

Here are the skins we used to make the drums, soaking in water. They were soaked overnight to soften up. My skin was a deerskin. The colour and texture reminded me of pie pastry. My thoughts when handling it were not terribly profound, I admit; they kept returning to pie.

I am painting the wooden rim of my drum. The outside says "I stalk through the woods singing my song." We were encouraged to let an animal come to us while creating the drum. I got a sliver in my finger almost as soon as I touched the rim, so I decided my drum was a carnivore - because it bites! I also knew it was an animal that lives in the forests and not too far away. It became a lynx.

Above is the finished frame, ready for the hide. While we were painting the frames the workshop facilitators kept talking about "finding the directions" - north, east, south and west - on the circular drum frame. I do not have a good sense of direction and would hesitate to tell you where is north or south or east or west while outside on a bright sunny day, never mind in a basement while looking at a circle. So while other people were putting symbols on their drum representing the four directions, I basically ignored that suggestion and painted abstractly following the grain of the wood. The other inspiration for the design was the Paint Pots in Banff (which probably also helped bring to mind the lynx.) The one red streak on the frame represents that the animal is a hunter (and/or the red streaks of minerals that show up in its habitat).

Here is the deer hide ready to be cut. After cutting out a circle big enough to fit over the frame, holes are punched evenly around the circular cut out.

After cutting out the skin, we cut the remainder of the hide into a long strip to bind the skin to the frame.

The last step was to stretch the hide over the frame of the drum and then bind it using the rawhide strip. This was the hardest part for me, and I discovered why marking the directions on the drum was important: because the system involves alternating directions in a pattern to stretch it evenly, which of course totally messed with my head, never mind that I had no markings on the frame for directions. Luckily the one red streak became "south" and I was able to finish it with a little help from my friends. After the rawhide strip is woven through (below) you slowly tighten the skin.

The fully constructed, almost finished drum. Yay! We worked very hard all afternoon, but it flew by, and it was an unforgettable experience to make my own musical instrument.

The drums dried for two weeks, during which time the hide shrinks and tightens even more on the frame. You are not supposed to play them while they are drying, and I didn't, but I did sometimes tap it very gently with one finger to hear it come alive.

Once they were fully dried, we painted designs on them using acrylic paint. I painted a lynx, of course. The painting is very small as a large one will alter the skin and deaden the sound.

I didn't intend for him to be a realistic lynx (Robert Bateman I am not), but that's what he wanted to be, so I layered on the details.

At last, the drum is finished and ready to find a place in my life! Bryan also created one, an 8-inch with a sound a bit like a bongo. Our drums reside in our living room (joining the euphonium, bell set, bass clarinet and trumpet) whenever we need to pick one up and create some musical energy with their wild heartbeats. I have also taken them to various places to make some good medicine, including to work once during a very stressful and frustrating time. When I hand a friend or colleague the Lynx drum, their eyes light up with the pleasure of holding something so beautiful, unique, and powerful. When I started percussion, I joked that it was impossible to play a tambourine and remain in a bad mood, if Iam in one to start. It's impossible to play a drum and not feel a elemental, joyous connection with that source of life itself - the heartbeat. All musical instruments transform us and take us on journeys. I am so lucky to have had the chance to create one and look forward to my drum being part of my own journeys.

Backyard Warfare Simulation

2011-07-04T14:17:00.011-06:00

I am taking a break from working outside in the heat (it's hot! it's summer! finally!). The end of school days means that I notice things that need to be done around the house and yard, or I set out to actually do things that I've known needed doing for the past few months, but never got around to.

Among these is yard and shrub care. Or, more accurately, cutting and chopping and pulling up said shrubs to prevent them from a successful takeover of the entire property. "Care" is an entirely too kind and compassionate a word for the battle of wills that occurs between me and the resident plant life whenever I decide to assert my sovereignty. It's a close contest too. Having a beautiful orderly garden doesn't come into the picture; I just want something that is not quite a jungle. However, my semi-occasional attempts at garden warfare do give me a healthy respect and wonder for the natural world's fertility, tenacity and colonizing enterprises, which are little inhibited by such things as pavement or buildings (pah!). (I should add that I would never consider using any kind of poison on any of the plant life, desirable or no. My very few experiences with chemical anything have left me disgusted and frightened by it - also anything that can harm plants is quite likely to harm humans and other living things. I would rather not go there.)

If I was a mathematical or scientific type, I would design a simulation that would predict which of these would take over the yard and the others fastest. Not knowing quite how to do that, I used Google image search to predict what the backyard might look like if nature were allowed to take its course.

Scenario 1: Raspberry Farm

Scenario 2: Giant juniper completely takes over

Scenario 3: Lilac Forest

Scenario 4: Or maybe that's a forest of cherry plums.

Scenario 5: Most likely though, there's a field of bluebells:

Back to yard work now I guess......

"Borrowed" photos for the simulation are from:

http://www.panoramio.com/photo/22676735 (lilacs)

http://www.nhm.ac.uk/about-us/news/2011/april/look-out-for-the-first-bluebells96026.html (bluebells)

http://www.brightberryfarm.com/ (raspberries)

http://nursery.artknappsurrey.com/2010/10/19/juniperus-x-pfitzeriana-glauca-blue-pfitzer-juniper/ (juniper)

http://slowlivingessentials.blogspot.com/2011/01/round-bout-cherry-plum-jam-lemonade.html (cherry plum)

Still apathetic as ever.

2011-05-03T21:19:00.003-06:00

Yes, despite an election and a variety of international disasters. Death, taxes, disaster, and Canadian elections. If they're going to be with us forever, I can always learn about them tomorrow.

I'm afraid I rather like being apathetic. It's a symptom of nothing being terribly wrong with my life.

Sometimes I even like to think that being apathetic is a virtue of sorts. As in, I'm making a difference in the world by trying to keep my own S*** in order, rather than by "caring" about things. But that might just be self-justification.

Whatever.

There is a lot, a lot to do these days, and drums in the deep - well, I've been quite inward-focused deep down into my soul without really knowing where it will all go.

Spring is finally coming.

Life is always interesting.

I will be inspired to blog again one day.

Becoming less apathetic.

2011-03-06T22:05:00.006-07:00

For quite a few years now I've mostly ignored "the news."

I have my reasons for doing so, some of which are good, or at least worthy of sympathy, and some of which aren't particularly good, no doubt.

There are bloggers and essayists I regularly read, and so I have a general sense of current events, and the popular zeitgeist, so to speak. But I don't keep abreast of events. When someone asks me "Have you heard about...." my answer would be, "yeah I heard something about it, but I don't know exactly what's happening." About trends and systems of thought, however, I am better informed.

Anyway, I would like to follow what's going on, locally and internationally, somewhat better than I do now. At least try to. Should be easy with the internet and quick access to information, but to be honest I'm not sure where to start.

Does anyone have sources for news, local or national or international, that they would particularly recommend as trustworthy or worthy of notice or just interesting?

Light falling on snow

2011-02-26T20:22:00.005-07:00

In a few days it will be March. While the beginning of March is not exactly spring, I feel like it's at least OK to starting thinking about spring.

In addition to more daylight hours (always a cause for celebration), here's a few things I've been savouring:

* Beautiful ski day in Kananaskis last week. The weather was bright and quite warm for winter (between -5 and 0). There is great amount of snow there, and the mountains are almost totally white in places. Against the bright, clear blue sky, they made an absolutely stunning picture. The fresh air was energizing, the snow invited gliding and we enjoyed a good three hours on the trails.

* Finished Jennifer Homans Apollo's Angels: A History of Ballet. For me this was one book in a hundred. I ate up every page. Homans is a history professor and a former ballerina. Her book is very well written and researched, and gives a comprehensive and entertaining look at how ballet developed over the centuries. But she's done something more than even that in her writing. Apollo's Angels wasn't just a book that I read, it was a book that I felt. I started dancing very young, and even though I didn't dance regularly after age 14 or so, I have the language of ballet in my body memory. When I started taking classes as an adult, I was surprised at how comfortable it felt to assume the positions again. I felt an immediate sense of peace and rightness. Reading Homans' book gave me a similar feeling: I felt like she took me to the places and cultures she described, and I could see them in my mind's eye and understand what they were about. I felt like I was reclaiming a piece of my heritage. I was slightly surprised I felt that way, because when I danced a child and watched ballets I really had no bigger picture understanding of ballet, and little awareness that I was being inducted into a tradition and culture. And yet I was, and now I can finally see those experiences in a new light, and appreciate them even more.

Homans ends her book on a melancholy note, questioning if ballet is relevant any longer and wondering if any visionary exists that can make it so in the 21st century. I had some odd feelings as a result of reading that. I wondered if I could or should have continued on with ballet as a professional. I almost regretted giving it up. Not for my own sake; I have no desire or need to be a ballerina on stage. But perhaps I might have done something good for ballet, if I had stuck with it. More likely I wouldn't have made any difference, but I don't know that for sure. I know a piece of the tradition lives in me, and is powerful, even though my exposure to ballet was very limited. If it were not so limited, might I have created something of value? I can never know. But I do know that I don't want to lose what I do have; I want to feel it and live it.

* Oh yes, January. January is over. Most of February too. Following up on this entry , January actually went by fairly smoothly, all things considered. My plans and arrangements, stressed as I was about them, worked out no problem. Not all of my work life was crazy and hectic; there were opportunities to breathe, take in the moment and even think a complete thought or two.

I took an excellent course in Therapeutic Crisis Intervention. TCI presents crisis as both danger and opportunity, and provides a system of thought and specific strategies to deal with both aspects. I thoroughly recommend it to all teachers, EAs, and anyone who works with children or young people. As a matter of fact, new teachers in Calgary are now expected to all take the course. (The dreary side of that is it is further evidence that dangerous behaviours are more and more common in schools and dealing with them is now basically part of teachers' job description. I do not like to dwell on where that trend might going, but the course was still extremely good.)

Partly because of the course, partly through conversations with colleagues, I was also able to do some bigger picture thinking about my work challenges. I realized my stress level in December/January was in a large part created by unclear priorities. Meaning that I had a couple of dozen things in mind that I thought I should be doing, could be doing, or would like to be doing, but I didn't understand which of those things were the most important. Or rather, I thought they were all important (and they are, depending on your point of view) . The notion that doing them all was quite impossible was frustrating, stressful, and infuriating. Once I decided on a clear priority for my group (learning social behaviours) and cleaned up the rest of the wish list a bit, I felt less overwhelmed. It doesn't change the fact things are still really, really busy, and there's always 20 things I should have done yesterday, but at least I can focus on what's most important. That will do for now.

* Music! has been so much fun lately. Both Blue and Silver Band are doing really well. I performed with both groups at the Alberta International Band Festival today. I was more excited about this festival than I have been about one before. Silver Band has achieved a high quality of music over the past few months, under the guidance of our director (who happens to be the same person who first taught me music and one of my favourite people ever). Blue band is also playing some exciting music. I am part of the percussion section in this group, which means I play different instruments in every song: there's always something new to learn. Recent highlights include learning to play side by side snare drum with another lady, and playing four different instruments in succession in one piece (including the gong).

* I continue to knit like a busy spider and am on the second pair of colourful legwarmers.

So, things look good going into spring. And in the short term, I look forward to a peaceful evening in our cozy loving home. :-) Baby, it's cold outside, and there's no need to go out there.

Embracing the Imperfect Opportunity

2011-01-25T11:37:00.002-07:00

The theme to my current blog posts, more or less, is Kinetic and Potential Energy.

I like this metaphor because in the past year the balance of energy in my life has shifted decisively from potential to kinetic. The sands have been shifting for a number of years, but without a doubt, in 2010 it was the story. I like the change, but fair to say I'm not entirely used to it, either. So I am going to use the metaphor to tease out some of the subtleties.

Being a creature in motion affects how I see my work (and my leisure, for that matter). The most obvious change is that instead of most thoughts beginning with the words "Theoretically, I could ...." they start with "I am...." I will be...." I can...." "This is how....." While theoretical possibilities are very exciting, it is bracing to have a life where I am doing things. I am responsible to make things happen and I do so on a daily basis. On occasion, responsibility terrifies me. But after trying it, I have never wanted to give it up. I might fantasize about no/less responsibility from time to time, but it's not a fantasy that I really want to come true.

The other side to being a person of action is that I don't always like what I learn about my work. The fact is, sometimes opportunities look a lot more rosy and appealing when you are viewing them from a ways off, then when you seize them and find yourself dealing with the good, the bad, and the beautiful of making things actually happen. Looking at opportunities from a way off is like standing at the foot of the Rocky Mountains on a clear day, admiring the crisp deliniation of snow and sunshine on dramatic crags, imagining yourself scaling the peaks and claiming victory at the top. It's a great feeling - it's as if the world is laid out before you for the taking. Energy surges through your body, and you have a plan in your mind that you know you can make happen.

Venkywallpapers.com

Actually taking the opportunity involves slogging through snow and mud and sharp rocks, getting cold and wet and ragged and sometimes injured, facing the dangers of gravity and wild creatures that don't play by your rules, getting tired and terrified and pushing on well past what you thought was your limit, feeling your team and leadership being tested, and inevitably questioning what the devil you are doing up there in the first place. Your perspective also changes. In one way it is an enhanced perspective: you can look down and get a better sense of the whole landscape as you ascend, understand better where you have come from. You learn the geology and geography of the mountain much better than if you were on the ground looking up at it, and something of the mountain's personality and essence becomes your own as you wrestle with it. But you also lose a certain perspective: you can no longer see the whole mountain, and the memory of that noble peak you once wanted to ascend becomes a vague memory, perhaps lost to view.

allposters.com

Also, on the theme of Kinetic and Potential energy, being high up on a mountain also gives you the potential to fall a great way. This is never fun to contemplate, but it's something that must be accepted if one is to begin climbing at all. Of course, it's always easier to accept you might fall when you are safe than when you really have taken a tumble. Still, the knowledge that I am responsible for my decisions has, I think, made it easier for me to recover from tumbles. I make the decision to climb the mountain and embrace the risks related to that; the mountain isn't out to get me. It's just there. Sometimes it feels like it's out to get me, however.

Which leads to my other point.

I find myself having to deal with the fact that the very best I can do sometimes isn't enough to make things right. It's easy when facing this fact to think that Something, Somewhere is working against me. I'm using vague words because it is a vague feeling; in fact I think my notion of The Enemy comes mainly from feelings of tiredness and discouragement, rather than from the actual existence of such an enemy. I want to blame somebody so I look around for evidence that people are working against me. Still, even if it's not malicious individuals, there certainly are forces that work against me. I've yet to be opposed by an Bourne-esque villain in dark clothes with fists of steel and judo moves like the strike of a snake. If anything, I would identify my opposition as a shadow manifestation of ignorance, cynicism and indifference. Perhaps it is a little Bourne-esque in that it is very hard to identify or pin down. It doesn't show its face but I hear of its measly operations, and sometimes it just happens to crush something I've tried to create.

I'm still figuring out how to react to this sort of thing. So far my trajectory is 1) disgust 2) disillusionment 3) shrug and find a way to keep going, by outsmarting or outflanking whatever is getting in my way. Despair has never really appealed to me, in part because it is boring and it doesn't accomplish anything.

When I was trying to come up with a way to describe the theme of this post, I thought of "embracing the imperfect opportunity." An opportunity is the chance to reach a goal. Nobody accepts an opportunity without the intention of reaching the goal. However, most - if not all - opportunities are imperfect, meaning that within them they have the potential to stop you from reaching your goal as well as the more desired outcome. For example, embracing an opportunity may test you and make you aware of some of your weaknesses. It may reveal to you opposition that you didn't know was there, that was happy to ignore you as long as you weren't trying to achieve anything. An opportunity might turn out to be more limited than it appeared at the beginning: perhaps some goals can be achieved, but not others. And perhaps the unachieved goals turn out to be more important in the end. A perfect opportunity, on the other hand, might be that rare confluence of luck and circumstance and ability that allows for a win-win situation. Perfect opportunities are out there, no doubt; but they aren't that common, and it would not be wise to wait around for them.

As I move from having potential to fulfilling it, I think it is useful to see my work in particular as an imperfect opportunity. It has built-in flaws and limitations. At the same time, there certainly is scope to set and reach goals and to grow.

76 Trombones

2011-01-15T19:11:00.004-07:00

I'm having a long, relaxed evening, part of which is dedicated to practicing music.

I found this video on Dave Werden's Tuba-Euphonium blog. These are the Ambassadors of Harmony singing "76 Trombones." Check out their awesome showmanship.

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmDGntpZC3I&feature=player_embedded#!

Lyrics: http://www.endresnet.com/76Trombones.txt

May we all live in musical times!

Good things about January 2011

2011-01-09T18:07:00.004-07:00

One of my most prominent thoughts in the first week of the first month of the new year has been:

"Can January please be over already??!!!"

This is sometimes followed by a series of (mostly mental) expletives. As a general rule I dislike swearing, and I try to almost never do it myself and discourage it among anyone who's within spitting distance of me. However I have to admit that in the past few weeks inserting random foul words into my thoughts and conversation has had a surprising appeal.

I'm stressed about January for a lot of reasons, most of them work-related. It's a transitional month in high schools, which ends up being pretty awkward for me in my particular job. Without going into all the details, there's onus on me to find creative things to do with the extra time available, to meet (often conflicting) expectations for myself/students/support staff, generally do a lot of scheduling, organizing and paperwork (not one of my top 1000 favourite things to do), arrange things for the next semester, tidy up (yeah right), find time to do assessments (hmmph!) and stay sane in the meantime. On top of that, I have fairly high expectations of myself and how efficiently I should run things. I'm also aware of how my decisions impact others and I worry (possibly too much) of how they might be negatively affected by a given decision. At the same time in the past few weeks I've questioned how well I'm being supported in dealing with any of this.

Anyway, in summary I think I've arranged everything as well as I can, and it all has a reasonably good chance of working out fine, but there's enough uncertainty that my stress level has been several notches higher than usual and I expect it to remain so for the next three weeks. Ugh! In real terms this means anxiety eats up at least 1/3 of my energy and creativity on any given day, my appetite disappears to the point where I have no interest in food until the evening (I force myself to eat lunch), and I have a tendency to tear the skin off my fingers a la Black Swan (but I've avoided the last one thanks to an especially good hand cream.)

So it isn't surprising I am looking forward to January 31st, when hopefully I can say "Thank God that is all over and there were no disasters I couldn't live through."

At the same time....I don't feel right about wishing any time of my life away. Who knows what the future will bring? Who knows what precious experiences will only come my way in this month? Who knows (well, I know actually) how many of these "problems" are really wonderful opportunities that I am just not choosing to see that way? And finally, at age 31 I am old enough to know that I am not immortal, that time is limited....How foolish to throw away any of it because of stupid fears or regrets!

So, on that note, I decided to make a list of things that are good about this month. I don't know if I'll convince myself, but at least I'll distract myself. And sometimes that's exactly what it's about.

1) I (re) learned how to knit and now have a new relaxing activity, which also can give me a sense of accomplishment without worry;

2) This is the anniversary of a couple of important beginnings that happened last year: 1) engagement, 2) house purchase, so I can look back and appreciate how much has been accomplished since then;

3) There are several good ski days still left in the month. Bryan is learning to ski and it's so much fun to share it with him and help him to learn better!

4) Anything that that goes well at work, I can take most of the credit for, since it was all my idea (this is the flip side of "If it goes wrong it's all my fault" which is the side I usually fixate on);

5) All my Christmas presents are new and I can enjoy them;

6) Thoughts and daydreams are free and easy and I can enjoy as many good ones as I can fit in;

7) Thanks to modern technology, I don't have to chop wood outside in -30 to stay warm;

8) I get to go to 2 concerts;

9) Having angst means I'll keep up with the blog more

10) Band starts again next week, which means I get to be a euphonium player and a percussionist, not only a teacher. And it means I get to have people take care of me and teach me things, instead of always the other way around.

There, that's as good as I can do for now. But as I think of more (I will!) I'll add them on. What's good about YOUR January?

The ballet entry.

2011-01-04T23:00:00.003-07:00

In December 2010 I watched the movie Black Swan, and found it beautiful, creepy and disturbing enough to start writing a blog entry, though I'm still not sure where I'm going with it. I read quite a few reviews and did some thinking. As usual I go off on many tangents (but that's how I figure out where the point is).

I'm not going to even try to describe the movie, apart for saying it's provoking and extremely well done but best avoided if you have a tender stomach. Here are links to some of the best reviews I found:

http://www.obsessedwithfilm.com/reviews/venice-2010-review-black-swan-a-rare-and-beautiful-thing-a-perfect-movie.php

http://www.hollywood.com/review/Black_Swan_Review/7723578

http://www.autostraddle.com/black-swan-has-mad-chicks-69450/

http://www.hollywood.com/review/Black_Swan_Review/7723578

http://movies.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/movies/03black.html

I'll start with some personal background (hey, it's my blog after all....)

Ballet has been a part of my life for a long time. I saw Swan Lake when I was four years old, and immediately decided to be a ballerina.

This was the result a few months later:

I never got anywhere near a professional ballet company or onto the "big stage." I tried auditioning for the kiddie roles in Alberta Ballet's The Nutcracker a couple of times, but I was even less comfortable with competition at age 11 or 12 than I am now. A competent dancer and joyful in my own skin as long as I was in a safe environment, I immediately lost my wits under any sort of pressure. Even as an adult, I don't easily accept anything with winners and losers. I prefer an "everybody wins" scenario. So, despite my love of tutus and music and movement and spiritual transcendence through art, I don't think ballet was ever the right career path for me. Unless I underwent some massive transformation of personality and perspective. And that's a dangerous thing to wish for.

But if I danced far from the spotlight, that didn't mean ballet didn't have its rewards and its moments of transcendence. When I was about ten years old me and the two other members of my tiny studio, sisters Andrea and Alyssa (Andrea is now a professional cellist) danced in a church musical production of Cinderella. Mrs. Hart, our teacher, did the choreography. I remember being embraced by the delightful amateur cast of all ages. It was led by two retired actors, Mr. and Mrs. Bracegirdle, who loved children and everything we brought to the play.

My early involvement with ballet shaped who I am as a person, both physically and mentally. Some ways I'm aware of; others I suspect I'm not aware of. For one thing, ballet involves all of you, body and mind. It is both athletic and artistic. It requires constant training to maintain and improve. At a professional level, I would describe the commitment as a mix of military discipline and masochism. Only by observation; I have not personally experienced that. You can never take a holiday from ballet if you want to maintain your skill and fitness. There is a physical toll. Oh, and did I mention perfectionism? I don't know if ballet is responsible for that side of my personality, and the constant battle to not be ruled by it. Still, I learned at least a couple of important things from ballet. If you want to achieve mastery of anything, you must practice and practice and keep at it regularly. There is no other way to get there. I also learned that beauty follows the laws of physics, even when it involves girls in fluffy pretty dresses. Like any other work, it is caused by moving a certain mass through a certain distance. There is no other way to get there. Beauty requires sweat and sometimes embarrassment and disappointment. And it's worth it.

But a great part of the appeal of anything with such an overwhelming commitment is the way you can lose yourself in it. Or find yourself. This I understand. I have been carried away by a creative force a few times, if not by ballet exactly. I would have liked to burst with creative power as a ballet dancer, but I never trained sufficiently to reach that level, and I don't believe I was mature enough at the time to experience the full force of such power. Still, I caught an echo of it.

I can never not be a dancer. There is still some part of me that can only be satisfied by performing. As a general rule I dislike being the centre of attention; even in teaching I feel I only take that role out of necessity. I would prefer the activity we are doing to be the centre of attention, not me personally. But the one exception is performing. There I feel a kind of energy that isn't like anything else. My body is a tool, and my spirit exults in using it. I dance for the audience, and I don't, and I do. They are somewhere where I can only touch them by transforming, and then fully realizing, what I am.

I stopped most dancing and all performing for a number of years after high school, feeling at the time that I could no longer express myself through it authentically. I didn't shrivel up and die; I turned to poetry and writing and criticism. That's a whole other story. But still there was something missing. I know because when I wrote, I kept writing about dancing. The words that fell into the right places danced into them. Poetry speaks to me because it is like dancing. The words are ordered, but not like so many soldiers. They have a wilder, more mysterious structure. Eventually I found dance again, when I listened to Cape Breton fiddle music. I couldn't listen to that music and not dance. So I taught myself to stepdance, dared to do it in public now and again, and a few years later I made my own tiny, personal, enormous breakthrough in South Uist. Surrounded by the energy of music and people who had come seeking it, there was no way to deny what I was. I had to dance, play music, perform, be there. That's the thing about performing: if you are going to do it well, you can't be anywhere but in the minute. And if you are in the minute, you can be anywhere.

It was with a kind of amazement and terror while watching Black Swan that I saw ballet transformed into the backdrop of a - very convincing - horror movie. Pretty much all the reviews I've read describe the movie as a depiction of a mentally ill character's descent into insanity. I wondered afterwards why I didn't see the main character as mentally ill or insane at all. She actually made quite a bit of sense in her insane way.

In the movie the main character, Nina, is cast as the character of the Swan Queen in Swan Lake. The role has two sides: The delicate, virginal Odette or white swan queen, and the black swan queen, Odile. Odile is full of seductive energy and appetite. The ballet director thinks Nina makes an excellent White Swan, but has some work to do to be convincing as the Black Swan. Nina, endlessly perfectionist, just gets more and more brittle and frustrated as she tries to get it right. On top of it all she has a manipulative and over-protective mother, whose own personal development was ambushed somewhere and never got where it was going.

The movie raised a few disturbing questions in my mind. Such as, to what extent is it okay to use your body as a tool, or to use someone else's that way? Nina drives herself to physical extremes in her desire to please the director, Thomas Leroy. The movie shows her bloody toes, her tortured muscles, her self-mutilation and bulimia (gross). Leroy, for whom Nina is willing to do anything, sees the dancers as means to an end, even though he does seem to understand Nina's humanity. But he still uses her for his own purposes, while she gives him her complete trust. The sense of transformation that comes when you use your body as a tool, that I experienced as wonder and miracle, becomes something Nina has to achieve, whether she understands it or not, or understands the cost.

Which leads to another question: to what extent is it alright to allow another person to possess and control your creative self? Even if they are a brilliant kind of person. Perhaps especially if they are a brilliant kind of person. Doesn't everybody yearn at some point for an older, wiser, deeper person to recognize what they have, show them how to use it, give them the recognition they want? Even if it means allowing that person to control you. I know I considered it. I am lucky that while I have known some wonderful mentors who recognized what I was capable of, they had no interest in controlling me. If there were any people who wanted to control me, they were not charismatic or wily enough to make me buy into it. Still. While I like to think I can spot people with manipulative intent, maybe I've just been lucky so far. It could easily have been otherwise.

Part of the reason I didn't see Nina as insane was that I was interpreting Black Swan as a movie about initiation. Nina starts out as naive, brittle, and over-protected. She has power but can't seem to figure out how to use it. Her perfectionism leads her to self-destructive extremes trying to please others, while not understanding what her gift can do for her. Typical of naive people, she doesn't seem to know who is her friend or her enemy. Leroy seems to give her an chance to move beyond that, make some mistakes, move more freely in her own skin.The disturbing part is that while Nina appears to complete her initiation and understand both the black and the white swan, she doesn't survive the journey. Unless the bit of gore at the end is purely symbolic. I would like to think so. After all, neither the black nor the white swan queen really seems to embody what a woman should be. Perhaps Nina's old self dies and she is reborn as something else. But the movie doesn't show that ending.

So in the end Black Swan does for me which any tragic story does, I suppose: leaves me wondering what it was really all about and just what sort or luck or instinct or possibly wisdom allows one to sometimes avoid tragedy. It also makes me grateful for what I have, even though there isn't much glory in it. I am glad I usually have peace of mind and don't have to regularly crush my soul pleasing anyone else.

And it makes me remember how awesome it is to wear a fluffy tutu:

February 15, 2011...

Since finishing the first draft of this entry, I've gotten about halfway through Jennifer Homans' book Apollo's Angels: A History of Ballet. It's the best thing I've read (fiction or non-fiction) in a long time. Ballet was one of the first important influences on my life outside of family, but reading Homans' book I feel like I'm understanding it for the first time. I've also gone surfing the net for any article by Homans (I'm tempted to subscribe to The New Republic if only to read her articles).

Ms. Homans' take on Black Swan:

What did you think of "Black Swan"?
It draws on the darkest features of the ballet world, exaggerates them and makes them the vehicle for Natalie Portman's extraordinary descent into madness. If "Black Swan" is a portrait of the ballet world today, it's certainly a portrait of an art form that lost its soul. Everything is through a glass darkly and magnified. If you were watching that film, why would anybody ever dance?

Uh-huh.

More ideas from Jennifer Homans (and read her book!)

Is Ballet at Breaking Pointe?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-1333021/Former-ballerina-Jennifer-Homans-asks-ballet-breaking-pointe.html

Taking Ballet, By the Book:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703886904576031641566637816.html?mod=rss_Arts_and_Entertainment

Ballet in Peril: A Conversation with Jennifer Homans

http://www.theballetbag.com/2010/12/23/ballet-in-peril-a-conversation-with-jennifer-homans/

Interview with Jennifer Homans:

http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/books/Interview-Jennifer-Homans-author.6649596.jp

The movie review links again:

http://www.obsessedwithfilm.com/reviews/venice-2010-review-black-swan-a-rare-and-beautiful-thing-a-perfect-movie.php

http://www.hollywood.com/review/Black_Swan_Review/7723578

http://www.autostraddle.com/black-swan-has-mad-chicks-69450/

http://www.hollywood.com/review/Black_Swan_Review/7723578

http://movies.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/movies/03black.html

The merry year is born / Like the bright berry from the naked thorn.

2010-12-31T12:44:00.005-07:00

The yearly meme. :-) Previous years are posted under Time and Tide.

2010, you crazy fun awesome year, here's my final salute to you!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What didn't I do?

* Engaged (Jan. 16th)

* Bought first house (Jan 23rd)

* Moved - for good (April 25)

* Teaching Award nomination (May)

* Wedding (July 17)

* Joined Westwinds percussion (September)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Oh yes I did. Let's review:

What would I like to do in 2010? I would like to take more steps to creating the life that I want. I think I have a pretty good idea of what my values are. It doesn't mean they will stop evolving. It's my nature to approach life with questioning and doubt (frequently of myself). Still, I seem to have found "peace on the inside." At least by my standards. Remembering the stress and angst I've experienced for most of my life, it feels like a sort of miracle.

I think I've moved from "This is a miracle" to "Let's create the new life: miracles and blood and sweat and tears and all!" And that's as it should be.

What do I want? I want my own home. [Done!] I want to continue to develop practices and traditions that enrich my life and the lives of people around me. [Ongoing. I really tried to live this principle when we were planning our wedding, and I think we succeeded. From what people have told us it was a meaningful not only for Bryan and I, but for everyone involved. Through activities like band, caroling, and crafty sisterhoods I also try to create and maintain community. But this is something one must always work on.] I want to develop clear boundaries around material things: I need to decide what is and isn't important and what is and isn't worth my time to acquire.[Ongoing. I have a lot of freedom in my life right now in part because I have made good decisions about money and "stuff" and what I need and don't need. I've been able to have what I want without - from my point of view - a lot of sacrifice. But as the responsibilities increase, so must my mindfulness in this area. I'll give myself a pass so far with caution.] I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man and I want to continue to "grow" that too: to discover as a team what we can really do in the world. [When I wrote this Bryan and I were a team in principle but not legally. Now we are. We are together in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, for better or worse, vowed in front of God and witnesses. I couldn't be happier about it. I'm an action-oriented person; there's nothing I like more than a big, open-ended assignment and a mandate to Go there! Do it! Make it happen! We can and we will.]

For next year:

* Keep my household in reasonable order, both materially and spiritually. It's a lot of work. But it's MY work.

* Continue to create community. There's such a need for this in our lives, in everybody's lives.

* Prepare for the Next Phase.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hmmm. No.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? Costa Rica and Arizona, USA. Wonderful journeys, both.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

I would say "Time" but I don't expect that wish to be fulfilled. :-) Instead I'm trying to live by Natalie MacMaster's dictum: "No time is a good time, so anytime works." (She was talking about having children but it could be true for anything. Although I think she's right about children too, for that matter.)

I could also say "Patience and fortitude." Can't get enough of that.

Other than that.....Lack? what lack? I was so abundantly blessed this year.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 16, January 24th, April 25th, July 17th, the two weeks after July 17th....

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving everything?

I will say....taking the steps to create the life I wanted.

9. What was your biggest failure?

None stand out.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes, I broke my foot on June 30th and learned how to live one-footed for the next three weeks, including a one-footed wedding. On top of that I caught some awful stomach virus the morning of the wedding and had to go to Urgent Care. Oh joy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our house!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Our fantastic family and friends who helped pull off the wedding with flying colours, and got us through the mishaps immediately preceding it.

My 4 students who graduated this June - they made such strides, seizing their potential and working with it. My heart goes with them and their families and I hope their lives keep getting better.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Nobody was appalling. I needed to use my "You have reached the LIMIT" voice a few times with a few people. They got the idea.

14. Where did most of your money go?

House, car, wedding, RRSP and TFSAs.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Buying my home, getting married, working with my wonderful students and colleagues.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

"Ring of Fire" - Johnny Cash

"Rainy Day People" - Gordon Lightfoot

"There Can Be Miracles" - Celtic Woman

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier.

ii. thinner or fatter? Not much change.

iii. richer or poorer? Richer in assets.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Blogging and music practice and just random connections with friends and other people.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Would I really give up any of it? No, I wouldn't :-)

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my family and Bryan's family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Over and over.

23. How many one-night stands?

I'm living the dream. My heart may have trials ahead of it, but it is not lost. I have found good hands to place it in.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

House. So awesome.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No. Hate? Hate what?

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Gordon Lightfoot and Johnny Cash. Everything old is new again with me.

Westwinds percussion. What a riot!

28. What did you want and get?

A start to the life I want.

29. What did you want and not get?

A jive for the first dance at the wedding. LOL! I swore I would not dance to a slow tune and then we did, because of the broken foot. But actually, we could have done the fast dance. We did lots of fast dancing later, and it was almost easier than the slow dancing.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Um. I don't know. I saw Black Swan yesterday so it's most vivid in my mind, but I don't know if I liked it or not. It was freakin' weird. If you know a little girl that you want to discourage from being a ballerina, show her this movie. Actually, don't.

I do think the film was a very good portrayal of feminine neuroses, done pretty accurately and honestly. If a guy came up to me and said "I want to understand girls better," and wasn't squeamish, I'd recommend he see this film.

I wish the ending was a bit less gory and negative though. I thought the movie could be interpreted as the story of a woman's initiation / loss of naivete, but it was disturbing that she didn't survive the initiation. Or it seemed that way. A true initiation should launch you onto your real, deep life, not end your life. Else why would anyone try?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 31. I had family over, opened presents, basked in all the happy vibes.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Haha, it was quite satisfying enough. Don't think I could have packed any more into it.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Experimenting with a lot of different looks. Trying to mix comfort with style.

34. What kept you sane?

Bryan, intelligent conversations, music, keeping my eye on the goal, reminding myself what was really important.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Uh....can't think of one.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

None of them really.

37. Who did you miss?

Hmmm. There are some friends from away that I always wish I could see more.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Rhonda from Westwinds.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Attitude is everything, because it's the one thing you can always control. It's the one thing that can make everything better, or everything worse.

“Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better person."

-Benjamin Franklin

Come on 2011!!

Rocks falling off cliffs and other relevant ideas

2010-12-15T21:59:00.003-07:00

I was just looking over my blog and realized I have written only 10 posts in 2010. Oh dear! Is the blog dead? What am I thinking? Didn't I want to be a writer once? Am I not one still despite myself?

Actually, I think the lack of posting probably reflects changes in how I see my life and myself, and one of my ideas for the upcoming holidays is to try to pin some of those down and see if I could benefit from an analysis of how I am evolving. I know I like it when other people write intelligently and honestly about what's going on in their lives and in their minds. I am just not always so comfortable with disclosure myself.

Also, there have been so many amazing changes in my life this year. Sometimes I need to comprehend that with silence instead of words. The space created by silence feels more meaningful than the facade of words that I make by talking about everything.

Still, eventually I have to try to put things into words just be able to hold on to them, feel assured of their reality and my flawed mortal attempts to guide my destiny.

So here was a metaphor I came up with the other day in my journal: potential energy vs. kinetic energy.

Potential energy is what an object might have before it does anything: for example a big rock balanced on top of a cliff. It has the potential to do a lot before someone kicks it off a cliff, but it hasn't done anything yet.

Kinetic energy is what an object in motion has: once you kick the rock off the cliff, then it has kinetic energy. For example it might strike and move another object through space, transfering its energy to other objects.

The principles of physics also state that no energy in the universe is ever lost; it is only transformed. This is an intriguing and challenging idea that leads me to consider what effect my energy is having on my environment. It is especially challenging to contemplate in the last weeks of the school year before winter break when I tend to feel like most of my energy is gone, permanently lost, and never coming back. But it isn't gone; it's transformed. Transformed into what? And does it come back to me in a different state?

But that's getting ahead of myself. Over the past 3-4 years, I think I've been undergoing a transformation where the major form of energy in my life has moved from potential to kinetic. It didn't happen all at once, but every year there was a change or two that slowly shifted the balance. And in 2010, I think the scale tipped so that I now have more kinetic than potential energy. It's pretty exciting (I like to be an object in motion) but I am also challenged to understand my place in the world in a different way. I can feel this changing how I see people around me, how I answer the little questions and the big existential ones.

Five years ago I lived abroad, which was a catalyst for all kinds of new life experiences and insights. After I'd been in a different country for a few months, and had a few encounters with the unknown, I started having an odd sensation. I was aware of it when I had to tell new people I met about myself. When I talked about myself, I felt I was an actor reciting lines that weren't quite accurate or true anymore. In other words, when I talked about myself it felt like I was talking about a very different person who was no longer really me. But I had to keep using the same words and definitions because I couldn't yet define or understand the new person.

What I feel now is a bit like that. The old descriptions don't quite fit, though they may never be entirely left behind. But the new is not yet tangible to the point where I can put it into words.

So, I thought I might try to write some blog entries using the idea of potential vs. kinetic as a guide. I think it could help me understand some of the transformations. And perhaps answer the eternal question: how do I find time for everything?

And now, goodnight.

Thinking vs. Burning

2010-11-23T12:12:00.002-07:00

Another article that follows my "too many rules theme."

http://www.spiked-online.com/index.php/site/article/9905/

This one is about people who are scared of ideas they don't agree with.

Well, I suppose we all are to some extent, but really. It's nobody's job to agree with you (unless you are paying them to).

:-)

I should elaborate with my thoughts on Too Many Rules sometimes. I haven't had many inspirations of my own for a blog entry yet, at least nothing I've felt ready to put out there publicly. Perhaps I will write something over Christmas break. Catch up on hair and dental appointments, and blog entries - I can handle that, I think!

Fortune Favours the Brave!

2010-11-02T19:43:00.003-06:00

This article is related to my rant about Too Many Rules.

If there's anything worse than scaring people with imaginary horrors, it's forcing them to enact time consuming and tiresome rituals to avoid said imaginary horrors or (worst of all! Shudder! Scream!) to fill out endless forms documenting said imaginary horrors and imaginary responses to them.

(I'm all for reasonable precautions, of course, but there is much floating around in our world that is so not reasonable. It's one of my better excuses for mostly ignoring "the news.")

http://www.spiked-online.com/index.php/site/article/9768/

In a roundabout way, the devaluation of knowledge expresses a diminishing of belief in the power and influence of human subjectivity. That is why it is now commonplace to hear the Enlightenment project described as naive, or to see scientists castigated for ‘playing God’. The idea of diminished subjectivity, as communicated through the precautionary culture, inexorably leads to a reconciliation with – if not a deference to – fate.

Rant.

2010-10-14T17:01:00.002-06:00

There are people in the world who think they are going to make their mark by making rules, and more rules.

To those people I say:

More rules do not make the world a better place.

More rules do not make people better people.

This is especially true if said rules contradict or negate each other, and/or contradict the (limited) number of intelligent rules that are necessary for the smooth running of affairs.

So, stop the madness!

Beginnings

2010-09-06T21:09:00.004-06:00

A new school year starts tomorrow. Well, technically it started last week, but tomorrow is when all the students are there and the real action starts.

I was feeling rather anxious about it. You can prepare, rationalize, visualize - but once the students arrive, the story is brand-new and so is the community that is being created.

Then Bryan reminded me of just how many new things have come into my life this year:

* Engagement

* New House

* Job uncertainty for a while

* New work status (same job, different kind of contract, and more importantly there's a change in how I see my role - it's an expanded point of view)

* Dealing with broken foot

* Marriage

Yah, from a certain point of view, it looks like a lot to deal with. And I (we) have handled all of it pretty darn good. Hey, it was fun. (Most of the time.)

I can handle "new."

Natalie MacMaster once said in an interview:

"......Who’s going to sit and wait for life to have its right moments? Life is a ball that just rolls, and you just get on it. And sometimes you’re going to get squished, and sometimes you’re going to be at the top.”

How true.

Looking back on the year, I'd have to say it's not the "new stuff" that has surprised me. What is perhaps most surprising is how quickly things slide away into the past. How quickly the present, all-important moment becomes a memory. Great memories, most of them, but....memories. No longer here.

Like a piece of music, a dance: the moment is everything, the moment is reality, but when it's past, it's past. Life is in the dance, the note, and the next one is on its way already.

Come on new year!

Of course, this blog is at least partly about keeping records of slippery time, of hanging on to the elusive and sacred and making it more real. I am still planning to make some picture-blogs of the major events of the summer. But when I write of them, they will already be different, be seen through experience and time.

The Ring of Fire

2010-08-07T22:25:00.004-06:00

Yes, the poor blog has been neglected. I have the best of excuses, of course: I've been busy living life, and have no regrets about it. The next cliche that comes out is: There Is A Lot I Could Talk About. Which basically means, I won't talk about most of it. I sometimes can summon the energy and willpower to put life on hold and write a grand historical piece about an event in my life, but now is probably not the time. There have been several life milestones this year, but the details will come out piecemeal as I weave them into my life story over the coming years. Being at the beginning of a new phase in life can be, after all, a bit overwhelming - or, alternately, over-hyped. Many events become a lot more interesting in retrospect.

In no particular order of importance, here's some of what I've been up to since the last blog entry:

- The completion of my second year teaching special education was the high point of my short teaching career so far, and a high point for me personally. On one hand I am aware of the challenges that face adults with disabilities, and am reluctant to give in to dewy-eyed optimism or sentimental self-congratulation, knowing that there will be a great many more challenges for my graduating students and their families. On the other hand, gathered together with my alumni students and their parents, friends, and extended family, as well as my amazing team of colleagues, I could not help but feel a rush of excitement, energy, and renewed commitment. Of course I knew I work with wonderful people, but it was uplifting - almost euphoric - to have them together in one place. I felt their joy at the possibilities of life and the gratitude for opportunities taken. I have graduated three times myself (high school and two university degrees). Those were occasions for celebration, for sure, but this was the best graduation celebration of my life. I could look around me and know that I had accomplished something, and the people that helped me do it were right there in the room. Never mind that the world is full of more work and obstacles - bring it on!

- This also concluded my fifth year of teaching, counting from the time I graduated. The statistics say that half of new teachers quit their jobs in disgust and dismay in the first five years of teaching, burned out and disillusioned. I am still happily employed (drum roll!) though I have lost a few illusions. That's OK; illusions are overrated. I am grateful to have lasted this long, since I thought about quitting many times, and kind of did once or twice (but not permanently).

If I am to draw any lesson from my experiences, it is that immediate success is not necessary and falling on your face a few times really isn't the end of the world. When I graduated I knew fellow-students who were offered regular teaching contracts immediately. I on the other hand did a series of short term contracts, including a horrible teaching experience in England that ended with me quitting the job - the first time in my life I had walked away from anything. Gasp! But then I moved to Greece and found another job, and the most important thing I learned was that nobody in Greece could care less about what happened in England, and there wasn't any reason I should beat myself up over it.

It wasn't the thought that I was a good teacher or had a calling in education that kept me going, and certainly not an unconditional love of children (British schools will cure anyone of that!) It was a (somewhat pessimistic) sense that if doing something poorly bothered me as much as it did, I was probably capable of doing it well. So I stuck with education, doing this and that and trying a variety of teaching situations, by which I realized I like a non-traditional environment, and basically figured out before it actually happened that I belong in a special needs setting. I now have one of the best jobs in teaching, in my opinion, and for the first time in my career I feel capable of reaching beyond myself and creating real change in the world. Thank you, messy life, for the mysterious and always interesting lessons.

- On the last day of school, I went tearing down the stairs in our new house, landed strangely on my right foot, and broke a metatarsal. The helpful folks at urgent care fitted me with an air cast and crutches. A few hours later the walls shook with the collective gasp of all my friends and family at my ingenious timing, breaking a foot seventeen days before our wedding! Nothing to be done about it, though, and I taught myself to adapt to one-footededness. The mind and body are amazingly flexible, and I adjusted quite quickly. Of course, it was frustrating, but perhaps dealing with people who have disabilities helped make me tolerant of having a minor disability myself. The wedding plans went ahead with a few accommodations, and I was yet more impressed at what a great team Bryan and I have to support us. If any one of those people are reading this (you know who you are): YOU ARE AMAZING I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! There.

- The wedding itself was a wonderful, uplifting day - well of course you expected me to say that! No, wait, the way everybody describes their wedding day is "perfect." Now, if there's one thing I've had to do to achieve some peace of mind over the past ten years, it's this: let go of perfectionism. Perfectionism is useful in some aspects of life, but mine has been a double-edged sword, and only by keeping it under tight rein have I achieved some peace on the inside. So, it's appropriate that I can't exactly say my wedding day was perfect. I came down with a stomach virus early in the morning, and by mid-morning all I wanted was for someone to shoot me between the eyes and put me out of my misery. As an alternate measure me and my man-who-is-one-in-a-million went back to the urgent care unit and they gave me some drugs through IV. (This is why the twenty-first century is awesome, among other reasons.) I felt better, and the mind-bogglingly amazing team of family and friends pulled together again and made the wedding happen. For a while I thought there wasn't going to be a wedding (to add insult to injury it was a beautiful sunny day.) As the IV restored my tormented body, I was cautiously hopeful that we could at least have a ceremony without the bride puking on the minister's shoes. Believe me, that was good enough for me at that point. When the wedding went off as planned, flawlessly, with a tsunami of joy and gratitude sweeping the already-fading memories of the morning away, and a wave of adrenaline and/or God's grace from above keep me going on two hours of sleep and two crackers, through the entire ceremony and reception......well, my cup runneth over, there is nothing else to say. So no, my wedding wasn't perfect.....it was better than perfect, dammitt!!!

I don't have most of the photos yet, but here is one that my brother Andrew took. We had the ceremony on a paddle-boat, and the reception at a historic opera house (kind of like a big saloon.) When I have more I might put together a little photo-blog.

- We had a wonderful honeymoon in Arizona, among the red rocks and the magical mesas, and in my mother's ancestral lands in B.C. Perhaps a little photo blog of that later, too. Last week I started walking around without the crutches, and am enjoying my newly-reclaimed two-footedness. Because of this I was able to do some ordinary things like ride public transit, and enjoyed being surrounded by random people of all sorts. That was fun in its own way. I've gotten to know my family and friends well in the past few months, and have expended a great deal of attention on myself and my house, which was nice, but as I looked around I found I am looking forward to going back to work, too, meeting new people, and creating a new community, again.

This summary is the tiniest bit of everything that's gone through my head in the past months. All of the things I've mentioned could have their own blog entry (and maybe will, later). It's exciting to be married, and I'm looking forward to having an insider's perspective on the marriage matter. But for now.....I (we) are here, ready to create our lives, find and shape our reality, discover and create community here, now. Ready set go!

As we drove across the Arizona desert, the saguaros streaming by, the sun setting, Bryan and I listened to Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire."

Beacons

2010-04-22T20:54:00.004-06:00

It's fair to say I've lived Socrates' famous dictum that "the unexamined life is not worth living." I'm particularly reminded of this as I attempt to pack up my life to move to the new house. My work would be reduced by at least 2/3 if I did not have so many books, journals, poems and notes. Throw a few of those into a box and try to pick it up, and the work of the mind swiftly turns into heavy physical labour. Luckily, 7 years of studying the humanities and education (which meant carrying big fat books around everywhere) gave me a strong back.

Actually, I've never really questioned the fact I keep all my writing and a good number of my notes, letters and emails. Starting from a young age, I saw myself as a keeper of memories. The logical place to start was with keeping my own. My mom also taught me to value my creative work. When I was little and actually allowed her to read my writing, she always made a big deal out of it and published it in little books that I still have.

Sometimes I get frustrated by being surrounded by "junk," but deep down I'm a natural archivist and like the idea of deep drawers and closets brimming over with history. I've kept a journal fairly consistently since age 11. I missed months or even entire years over the past two decades, and many life milestones are actually not recorded. It doesn't really matter though; it's the small details that I wrote about (and have since forgotten partly or entirely) that are more interesting now. Quite a bit of the earlier writing makes me cringe, because it's not very nice to be reminded of how narrow your mind and outlook were (and maybe still are?). But the journals also let me pick out out patterns and threads in my life that help me to make sense of it. There are a few entries that I can now identify as the "beginning" of a major life development or change. This is always exciting and it's partly why I have never envied anyone else their life, no matter how pleasant or rewarding. No matter what my life might look to someone on the surface, I know it's filled with seismic drama and change and fire and energy. My journals are a record of the roads I took, and the roads I didn't take, or only took for a little while. And it's all interesting.

For a few years I thought it was important to keep all my writings because one day I would be famous and people would want to go through them! I don't know if I ever actually believed that, but now I don't care about being famous. Being famous means a lot of people go around interpreting what your life means to them. Being famous wouldn't help me to understand myself better or to live my life better. It might just confuse me, actually. If somebody one day went through all my personal writing, it wouldn't mean to them what it means to me. They would come up with an interpretation that suited their agenda. Although, I sometimes find it fun to imagine I'm someone who doesn't know me reading my journals, and try to figure out what they'd think of it all.

Among the journals and agendas and books and poems and scribbles and letters, this poem fell out. I wrote it almost 10 years ago in Ottawa when I was missing BC. It resonated with me this evening because I've craving some time to just sit and be, and let thoughts come to me. "Beacons" is about an experience when time seems to stop, when present and past and future come together in an endless moment. It is also about memory. I find that the more I live, the more memories become like beacons. They mark different places of experience, of awareness.

Beacons

Changing your face

Dusk comes for a while

First giving, then leaving

Like a passing smile

Healing the breach

Between water and land

Painting in purple

This mile of sand

Sweet is the wind

That lifts up the waves

Deflecting the the gleam

Of a young moon's gaze

Gentle the whisper

Of damp feet on shore

The waves tread the distance

Of days gone before

Until my next thought

Time will not move

The circle complete

The world is new

Constant the beacon

Shines over the deep

Sure as the promise

That lulls me to sleep

Wide is the wisdom

A child can know

As great as the silence

In the waters below

Steeper grows time

Since I've been away

A trail of stones

That sharpen each day

Farther the road

Home through the trees

Deeper the purple

Than my eyes can see

Closer the touch

My memory creates

Than the breath of the fog

As it lies on the lake

As I have left you

So I will return

With stories to tell

And driftwood to burn

With poems on my lips

And gold in my hands

And ten toes to kiss you

As I walk in the sand

Constant the beacon

Shines over the deep

Sure is the promise

I come home to keep

Clear is the air

The stars look through

Sweet is the breath

I take from you

Naked the earth

The stars gaze on

In the beauty I kept

Though time has gone

Clear is the breath

I give back to you

The circle complete

The world is new

The world is new.

Let the whole world be new again.

2010-04-11T10:44:00.003-06:00

Spring is here, in the blowing-hot-and-cold, making-you-wait-for-it, counting-blades-grass kind of way.

Not much time to write long reflective blogs (or any blogs) as there is a lot going on. I will try to update sometime in the next few months....

Meanwhile, here is a song from Altan to keep things moving:

Fogsail an dorus

2010-02-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

I have a very clear memory from almost 4 years ago.

It was just after Easter, toward the end of April, and I was on the Greek island of Kefalonia. I'd spent a magical few days experiencing the tiny seaside community of Assos, and the traditional Greek Easter celebrations. My account of that time is here. But there was one thing I didn't share with anybody at the time, but which was so vivid I have never forgotten it. I had an odd presentiment of the future. Not that I saw visions or heard voices or anything like that; my few experiences of the world beyond the veil are never so concrete or easily explained. But they are not easily explained away, either. And, in fact, Assos seemed to me like something out of a vision, in and of itself. I felt as though everything I saw and heard was trying to tell me something, in a barely audible whispers: the friendly water lapping at the rocky beach, the small, murmuring caves across the bay that I swam into, the handmade, whitewashed houses and stone walls, the atonal shepherd's bells, the giant, forbidding cliffs that seemed to protect and threaten the village at the same time. Assos was the sort of place where time no longer seems to move in a straight line but whirls in an eddy.

I wrote in the journal I kept at the time:

I have had many peculiar emotions here: everything from a sense of excitement to a sense of foreboding, feeling both close to the future and close to the past. I have a strange feeling, a conviction even, almost frightening in its certainty, that one chapter, one act of my life is about to close. I can feel myself in the future, looking back on myself now, although I can't see back the other way to know where I will be. If I could, it would be interesting!

Several times as the years have gone by, I've looked back at how things unfolded after that Easter and wondered about what exactly that presentiment referred to, if indeed anything. Did something happen afterwards that dropped the curtain one one act and lifted it on another? At the time, I'd thought the great change in my life would happen when I went on a planned trip to Scotland. And actually, I think I was right about that.

One thing I discovered when I was traveling was that while buses and planes could carry me great distances, to amazing places and new experiences, thoughts could carry me even greater distances. The real traveling did not only happen on the physical level, but inside of me. I think I became aware of my own mind on a higher level. For several months I was tormented by homesickness, barely able to control my thoughts. It felt sometimes like the present was being subducted into a vision of the past that came to me in all my waking hours. At the same time I realized that these perceptions were not based on reality, and while I couldn't fight them, I could set them aside, carry on in spite of them.

I felt very cut off from civilization when I was living abroad. This was odd, and not at all what I expected. I spent quite a bit of time looking at museums, and artifacts, and ruins; but rarely did I feel any personal connection with them. They were made by people who had decided to stay somewhere and build something; I had not decided to stay anywhere and I did not know what I wanted to build. I was cut off, alien, lost both accidentally and deliberately. But the movement of things: water, wind, flowing clothes, dancing feet, leaves, flowers; time: I drank up that sense of movement. Movement was where I lived.

It was when I went to Scotland that I completely gave myself over to the joy of movement, when I let myself dance and threw away the lingering fears I had about being in the present, being in the middle of the journey. I picked up a book of Scottish quotations at the airport, and this one summed up my week in Scotland: "One crowded hour of glorious life, is worth an age without a name." I packed a lot of life into that one week, and have always felt it was a great gift. I loved South Uist and was at home there in a magical way. But South Uist gave me a greater gift: the ability to be at home inside myself.

I didn't really know that at the time, of course. I felt a surge of something within me; I felt as though a stone had rolled away, or something big and heavy and dark had rolled away. I knew I was going to sing and play music and dance. Fogsail an dorus! Open the door! And I did.

Once the door was open walking through it seemed to just be the right thing to do. I returned to Canada some months later, not because of homesickness but because I felt it was the right thing to do. I joined a concert band, learned to play an instrument. Suddenly I was part of something. It was bizarre, unbelievable, and totally normal and believable. I didn't have to run anywhere to find myself. How liberating that felt! I wriggled back into teaching, and quite the adventure that has been. I was cautious, I am cautious, I'll always be cautious, but I recognize and celebrate the power of forces in my life that are greater than fear.

I wanted to tell this story, now, because while we like to divide people's lives into easily digestible chunks, and happy stories and Hollywood movies tend to end with a marriage, I don't think the beginning or end of a new act is quite that straightforward. I heard once that where you are now is where you planned to be five years ago, whether you were aware of it or not. Well, it's not quite five years ago that I wrote those thoughts on Assos, or danced in South Uist, but it's close.

There was a moment on Assos, and again on South Uist, when I opened a door, and stepped out into a new world. The new world was around me, but it was also inside me. The beginning of now was then; I know it. This year, I will begin another dance. I'm getting married. I won't say much more about that now, because it's a whole other story that hasn't been written yet. There will be time. But I think the occasion does call for some superbly happy tunes. And here they are.

Fogsail an dorus (Open the door): the puirt-a-beul song that came to mind when I was writing this entry. Here is Capercaillie singing in the streets:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yj_gnLBsPEk

And here is "Coisich a ruin," also by Capercaillie, which I think is probably the most joyful song I have ever heard, and one of my favourite love songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hd-SKuWIjA0

On the edge of the sea, we moved together....

2010-01-12T21:31:00.003-07:00

...and we lifted our voices high into the sky.

Two cool things to share today:

This article on the weird aspects of the green movement. (I support environmentalism as a common-sense measure, and there are certainly causes worth fighting for, but in going mainstream it's gotten a little creepy, I sometimes think.)

Feeling unworthy is still a large part of Western religious culture, but many people, especially in multicultural urban centers, are less religious. There are still those who believe that God is watching them and judging them, so their feelings of guilt and moral indignation are couched in the traditional theological furniture. But increasing numbers, in the middle and upper classes, identify themselves as being secular or perhaps "spiritual" rather than religious.

Now the secular world still has to make sense out of its own invisible, psychological drama—in particular, its feelings of guilt and indignation. Environmentalism, as a substitute for religion, has come to the rescue. Nietzsche's argument about an ideal God and guilt can be replicated in a new form: We need a belief in a pristine environment because we need to be cruel to ourselves as inferior beings, and we need that because we have these aggressive instincts that cannot be let out. (more)

And this next thing I have to share is a contemporary (I think) Irish song. Nothing much really happens because all the poet's energy is taken up in praising the beloved's beauty, comparing it to clear water, summer barley, winter snow and anything else you can think of. I love it.

Súil ghorm, uisce fómhair
Craiceann chailce, sneachta gheimhridh
Folt fonn, corna shamhraidh
Cumha póige, bláth an earraigh

Your blue eyes, autumn water
Pure white skin like winter snow
Your fair hair, summer barley
Scented kisses, spring flowers

Ar imeall na mara a ghluais muid le chéile
Is thóg muid ár nglórthai go hárd leis na spéartha

Ceo maidne, séidéan gaoithe
Anam saortha, sruth 's taoide
Gealach iomlán, spéar na hoiche
Loinnear réalta, aoibh an gháire

Your smile shines through the morning mist
Lifts the soul light as a feather
And the moon glows in the darkest night
Distant stars are yours forever

Ar imeall na mara a ghluais muid le chéile
Is thóg muid ár nglórthai go hárd leis na spéartha

Súil ghorm, uisce fómhair
Craiceann chailce, sneachta gheimhridh
Folt fonn, corna shamhraidh
Cumha póige, bláth an earraigh

The 2-line chorus translates literally as
"on the edge of the sea, we moved together and we lifted our voices high into the sky"

In other news, I'm at the stage of tired where I don't really know why I'm still awake, or how. End of the semester this week, so have been madly putting together exams (different exam for each student, ha) scheduling meetings, meetings, trying to track down the latest set of forms I need signed, hold everything together including my wits, and on it goes. It would be a really nice post-Christmas present if the world could just organize itself a little without my intervention. Ha, ha. I dream.

It's a new year! muahaha!

2010-01-04T11:39:00.004-07:00

It's the last day of Christmas break. We have a rather odd schedule this year where our first day back is a Tuesday instead of a Monday, so it's kinda like having a long weekend at the end of the break. But I have one more day to try to get to the things I said I'd get to over break. Some of them I will get to. I think.

I got an awful lot of books this year for Christmas. And tea. So, among other things, going back to work means enjoying an early morning cup of tea with a book, and then reading some more Book on the train. Among other things, books are packable mental holidays.

One present was Alice Munro's most recent story collection Too Much Happiness. I read a lot of Alice Munro collections as a young person. I'd buy the paperbacks in second hand book stores and read them over and over. Something about her newer work lost me, though; it seemed to lack the grittiness and groundedness of the early stories. Or maybe I was just not ready to see what was in it. Anyway, I haven't read her books for quite a while.

But I'm eating up Too Much Happiness , every word. Reviewers call Alice Munro a "much-loved"writer. I wouldn't say I loved Alice Munro. She doesn't call up fan-girl devotion, not in my mind. But she would be a hugely interesting person to talk to over coffee, to talk to about people. It seems to me that women have two instincts, instincts that sometimes work together and just as often work in opposition to each other. One instinct is to hold families and society together, to keep things going, maintain tradition, help people to play nice, play nice ourselves, smooth things over. (When I say "play nice" I mean that literally; "playing nice" is not necessarily the same as being nice.) The other instinct we have is a drive to dig below the surface of things, sniff out people, find out the not-mentioned or unmentionable thing, seek out and name what really drives people to do what they do, which is often the thing that they will maintain to their deathbed isn't what really drives them to do what they do.

Lots of women have cultivated one of these instincts profoundly, some have cultivated both. In some one or perhaps the other is stronger, or one is better or less understood. Alice Munro understands very well how women try to hold things together. She can make visible the elaborate engineering (sometimes faulty engineering) that holds together or attempts to hold together social relations. But in temperament Munro is the one who digs below the surface, and what a digger she is. Alice Munro is like the friend who somehow always has the dirt on everyone. She is the one that reminds you that things are not always what they seem, that sometimes people look like one thing and smell like a different thing, that no matter how conventional and predictable someone looks, a story can jump out at them or out of them at any moment. Her books were the first adult books I read that dealt with sex and relationships as major themes. I suppose she taught me a couple of things: 1) Yes, you really can talk and write about THINGS LIKE THAT, and 2) the world looks very different seen through naive eyes and through watchful eyes, and most of the time it's up to you which you choose to view it through, and don't kid yourself, you do get to choose.

If you were having coffee with Alice Munro, you could talk about anything; you could talk and act like a lady or not, but you would never ever dare bullshit her. She's too smart for that. And that's what I like best of all about her.

Ring, happy bells, across the snow

2009-12-31T00:00:00.005-07:00

(For the past 4 years I've been doing a Year-in-Review....and I find it kinda interesting. Previous years are posted under Time and Tide.)

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

I took a singing class! This was a milestone for me. I grew up not really liking my voice, for a variety of reasons. It probably started with my shyness and anxiety, and the fact that when I was very young and felt nervous or uncomfortable, I could not speak. Before I understood my feelings, I assumed this inability to speak meant something was wrong with my voice.

Then throughout life, it just felt like my voice was always awkward and unpredictable. It would go from high and thin to a bass growl. I've had someone try to teach me to yell, and someone tell me I should maybe get a hearing test because I speak so loudly. My voice seemed to convey very different messages about me to people, but without my being in control of it. That was scary.

It was a shock to me, in my early 20s, when a friend said he found my voice attractive. After that I started thinking about it a little differently. As I got older I seemed to be able to control it more, and I got more experience with public speaking. People more frequently told me they liked my voice, although I still get told sometimes it's an "unusual" voice. People hear all kinds of different accents in my voice but aren't sure how to place them. I make up stories about why this might be, for example that although I grew up speaking English, both my parents learned English as a second language and have fairly strong accents. But I don't really know. How my voice sounds is still very affected by my mood and where I am. Generally I've decided I'm more comfortable in a lower register, so I keep it low and enjoy the groove. But there are exceptions.

In the past couple of years, especially after learning a musical instrument, I've been wanting to use my voice more. This spring I supported a student during a music session at our annual conference on change and diversity. We played "the conductor game"; a game that involves groups singing different lines or playing rhythms on improvised instruments. I ended up really getting into it and singing out as much as I could. It was goofy and fun and a little unnerving. By the end I felt I'd "outed" myself; I couldn't go around acting scared of my voice or singing.

So in the fall I joined an informal group of people who want to sing for fun. There isn't much formal instruction, but we sing a variety of songs and styles and improve our range and confidence. I like it a lot, and I'm slowly moving past some of the uneasiness I've had about my voice. I still wouldn't get up and sing a solo, but I enjoy just pushing myself a little and seeing what I can do. There's also something transforming about losing oneself in the words of a beautiful song; it's like the dreams where you can fly by floating effortlessly off the ground.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Ah, resolutions.

The past couple of years have been about finding opportunities and building on them. It feels like I'm coming to a place where I have enough stability and confidence to create and deepen both my personal and professional life. Have I done that this year? Yes, I believe I have.

What would I like to do in 2010? I would like to take more steps to creating the life that I want. I think I have a pretty good idea of what my values are. It doesn't mean they will stop evolving. It's my nature to approach life with questioning and doubt (frequently of myself). Still, I seem to have found "peace on the inside." At least by my standards. Remembering the stress and angst I've experienced for most of my life, it feels like a sort of miracle.

What do I want? I want my own home. I want to continue to develop practices and traditions that enrich my life and the lives of people around me. I want to develop clear boundaries around material things: I need to decide what is and isn't important and what is and isn't worth my time to acquire. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man and I want to continue to "grow" that too: to discover as a team what we can really do in the world.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My friend M. I am so happy for her. Unfortunately she lives across the ocean so I can't get to see her or her son just anytime. But I am looking forward to a visit in the next few months.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? I traveled to Michigan for my first visit to the U.S.A. I enjoyed myself hugely.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
I don't feel like I've lacked anything. It's been a great year. I guess I would like to become more established. I would like to have enough strength and innovative power to weather any bad luck that comes my way. I've been incredibly lucky the past couple of years, but no doubt something will happen eventually that will test me and and what I've worked hard to create.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Watching several of my students graduate in June.

Vacation in the U.S.A. and all sorts of experiences there.

The little moments that turned people who were just acquaintances not too long ago into friends and then into something more like family.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

* Completing my first year as a special ed teacher, learning from the experience, and finding ways to create and develop the program;

* Tending my relationship like the garden it is;

*Keeping up with my music! Somebody once wrote that being part of a band or orchestra is one of the highest forms of civilized behaviour and I agree. I like being civilized.

9. What was your biggest failure?
No glaring failures stand out. I have some difficult students this year that hover on the edge of tragedy, and that's a tough to deal with, both in the sense of helping them find a safe place at school and in the emotional sense when I consider my hopes and goals for my students. It's a challenge to find an opportunity in each day and not become discouraged.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing serious. Getting enough sleep, especially weekdays, is sometimes hard.

11. What was the best thing you bought? The tuition to my evening programs: band, ballet, singing. Even if I'm tired, having something to do and go to reminds me that life is never about just work. The soul is designed to create and renew life and given the opportunity, it will do so.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I don't think I'm going to change this answer much from last year:

All my students throughout the year; they inspire me with how much they want to learn. I try not to "take work home" but when I think about my students it's often with a smile, so I don't mind.

My Ed Assistant, Beth - she is such a wonderful and talented person and I am lucky to work with someone who has so much teaching and life experience.

My friends - they continue to be good examples as they face whatever is out there for them.

Bryan and his family - I am so incredibly lucky to know them all.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I can think of one person who has a talent for creating big nasty dramas. Generally I've avoided being appalled and depressed through a combination of humour, getting points of view and advice from the wise and caring people in my life, and maintaining watchfulness over my own thoughts. But it is a difficult situation and it's not over yet.

14. Where did most of your money go? Savings, and enjoying myself - I was not adverse to that.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Bryan, music, work, holidays.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
"I Believe (Deep Within)" by Moya Brennan

"Without Love" by Lennie Gallant

(adapted from Corinthians 1:13)
Lennie Gallant© 1996 Revenant Records

you may speak in all the languages of angels and of men
there may be no mystery that you can't comprehend
your eyes may be so gifted, the future you can name
your faith may move a mountain, your hope forever flame

(but) without love
you gain nothing
without love
you are lost
only love
is worth the journey
no matter what the cost

you may gain all of the gold and power in the land
then give it all away - beg the streets with empty hands
surrender up your body to a cause you know is right
be the winner or the loser, conceited or contrite

oh the tongues of men and angels will one day all be stilled
all our mysteries unravelled - our prophecies fulfilled
now we see through a glass darkly, in a mirror out of place
but then we will know fully, we shall see it face to face

without love
you gain nothing
without love
you are lost
only love
is worth the journey
no matter what the cost

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Probably happier overall, because I have a lot to look forward to

ii. thinner or fatter? About the same

iii. richer or poorer? Richer, in so many ways.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I'm happy with all I've done. I could have used more hours in the day, some weeks.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? If I wanted to make myself more productive (which I'm not saying I do, since I think I'm pretty productive already) I'd definitely have to limit online time. Such as Facebook. I like the silly thing. Reading people's comments amuses me. I like posting random things on it. And I like photo sharing. I know there's all kinds of controversy around it, but I find it interesting to be able to see into people's lives. Anonymity is overrated.

20. How did you spend Christmas? with my family and Bryan.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009? Sure - if you count being in love with the same person, hehe.

23. How many one-night stands? I really should get rid of this question.

24. What was your favorite TV program? I didn't watch TV (still)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I'm not a hater. If I "hate" anything, it's behaviours, like the crudeness and rudeness that we seem to just accept as a matter of fact these days. I think people should set higher standards for themselves.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Westwinds Silver Band: phew, what a challenge! Surviving so far.

My singing class. It's exposing me to some classic songs that I haven't encountered.

28. What did you want and get? Opportunity, love, fun, time with people I care about.

29. What did you want and not get? I'm not going to complain at all!

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Star Trek.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 30! I survived my 20s! Woohoo! I went out of town for the weekend.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I'm satisfied.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

I was into pretty sweaters and t-shirts (depending on the season) and comfortable pants. :-)

34. What kept you sane? Bryan, playing music, books, tea, chatting with friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I'm mostly uninterested in public figures, but some deserve the publicity, like Capt. "Sully" Sullenberger.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

I didn't pay much attention to politics. I had so much to learn and pay attention to and accomplish in my personal and professional life. But the recession affected us all in some way. I'm also following (in an non-committal way) the direction the U.S.A. is taking in economics and world affairs. Kind of feels like we're waiting for the other show to drop.

37. Who did you miss?

M., because I haven't seen her in a long time!

38. Who was the best new person you met?

I'll go with my singing teacher: he's pretty awesome!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

It's OK to take the long way home as long as you mostly keep in mind where you're going. :-)

Happy New Year and blessings to you!

The 2009 Heroes series

2009-12-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

Toward the end of 2009 I decided to write about 4 people whose creative output and/or personal stories have had a big impact on my life. Writing about my "heroes" was part of the meditation I have been been doing on my life as I turn 3-0. Whee, 30! An age is really just a number as far as I'm concerned (especially if one is happy with one's life), but it is an opportunity to reflect on the choices I made in the first part of my adulthood and how my values have developed. I'm at the point in life where I know I don't have endless time, though I still have a lot of time, and I've made some important decisions, deliberately or by default, that can't be changed. So I feel the need to take some time to reflect on that, not in an evaluative way, to label things bad or good, but just to understand myself and what has influenced me. The people I wrote about in these entries have been huge influences.

Clarissa Estes

Seamus Heaney

Hild of Whitby

Moya Brennan

And it's that time of year....

2009-12-26T00:00:00.002-07:00

It's my birthday today! I'm celebrating surviving my 20's. Tee hee hee!

I'm working on a video that's kind of about my life up to this point. It was supposed to be finished for my birthday, but, well..... It will be finished when it's finished! Before the next birthday, for sure.

In the meantime, here's a song I just heard recently, from Norah Jones. I like it a lot. :-)

Your eyes seek conclusion in all this confusion of mine
Though you and I both know it's only the warm glow of wine
That's got you to feeling this way, but I don't care,
I want you to stay
and hold me and tell me you'll be here to love me today

Children are dancin', the gamblers are chancin' their all
The window's accusing the door of abusing the wall
But who cares what the night watchmen say
The stage has been set for the play
Hold me and tell me you'll be here to love me today

The moon's come and gone but a few stars hang on on to the sky
The wind's runnin' free but it ain't up to me ask why
The poets are demanding their pay
They've left me with nothin' to say
'cept hold me and tell me you'll be here to love me today
Just hold me and tell me that you'll be here to love me today

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T13:39:00.005-07:00

My best wishes to everyone as they meditate on the past year, and celebrate the coming of the new year.

Peace and happiness to you.

And just for your interest:

Strangest Christmas Traditions around the world (I think some of them sound like a lot of fun!)

In the twilight of 2009....

2009-12-19T14:38:00.003-07:00

Christmas 2009 is upon us. One side effect is I get two and half weeks of holiday to do a combination of collapse, relax, catch-up on things left undone in the "life" category, and re-consider and re-assess (or ignore) whatever I choose to.

At the moment I'm experimenting with different forms of laziness and seeing which I prefer. (They are all equally appealing so far.)

The last few weeks of school before break are often....interesting. I had a smooth start this year and the momentum carried through until about the end of November, when I happened to have one sleepless night and then got up the next morning knowing I was DONE. After that it was a matter of holding things together until there was time for a rest and break in the routine. But, well, it's been an interesting and rewarding year and should continue to be. At best, plans have come to fruition, potential has been realized. At worst, I've dealt with a few crazy people and situations without going crazy myself. That's pretty good, all things considered.

I bought and read Lorrie Moore's A Gate to the Stairs last week. It was kind of an early vacation for my brain during the last week of school.

A Gate to the Stairs would be a excellent gift for the pessimist on your holiday list. It starts off quite cheerfully, narrated in first person by a 20 year old university student in the USA who has signed up for a few (rather flaky) freshman courses and is also looking for a part-time job. She is clever and well-intentioned, but like a boat without a rudder drifts into tragedy and disaster by the end. Some of it is brought on by her own actions, but most of it just seems to happen to her outside of her control. The biggest mistake that she makes is perhaps thinking that good intentions are enough by themselves (but what 20 year old doesn't make that mistake). I don't entirely know what to make of this book. There's lots of things I like about it, especially the main character. But if I got any message from it, it's that it's very dangerous to be clueless in our contemporary society. Ignorance really isn't bliss. Innocence isn't that cute. But then, that's the same message I get from a lot of things these days.

Well, off to prepare for the annual caroling evening. We'll see what else floats to the surface over the next few weeks.

Heroes: Moya Brennan

2009-12-04T21:42:00.006-07:00

Music has always been central to my life in a mysterious way that I can talk about a lot, but can never fully explain. It's like the wind in Christina Rossetti's poem:

Who has seen the wind?
Neither I nor you
But when the leaves hang trembling,
The wind is passing through.
Who has seen the wind?
Neither you nor I.
But when the trees bow down their heads,
The wind is passing by.

You know the wind is there because you see what it does, but you can never see the wind itself.

Writing about Moya Brennan is going to be a lot like writing about the wind. Moya makes music, and music is all about experience. You can talk and write about music in a highly analytical and intellectual way, but the real power of music is that it's so immediate. It moves you to a different level of awareness often before you even fully comprehend what is happening, and certainly before you can step back and analyze it.

What is listening to Moya Brennan like?

It's a bit like listening to a mother sing to her child. Her sound is tender, personal, always warm. She seems to have such good intentions toward her listeners. If she sings about painful experiences, it is never to hurt, or to revel in hurt, but to acknowledge the difficulty of life and to heal. Perhaps not coincidentally, Moya started her solo career around the time she became a mother. Several of her songs were written for her children, and her children's voices appear on some of her albums.

It's a bit like listening to someone pray. Not publicly, in a church or cathedral, or as part of a ceremony. No, as if you were walking by someone's open door, and heard them almost by accident, speaking with complete honesty to God or to whoever they think hears them. I think part of why I respond so strongly to Moya's songs is because I feel she is trying to be fully honest, to tell it like she really feels it. That her music ends up being so beautiful and uplifting is, I think, due in equal parts to her talent and her character.

When I visited the Hebrides of Scotland back in 2006, I was lucky to go to a house party where people were playing instruments, dancing and singing the local Gaelic songs. However, I felt very awkward at first. I know a bit about Scottish music and culture, and I've been to big and small concerts and even a dance, so I thought I would feel quite at home. But it was very different to be in such a personal, intimate setting: in somebody's house. I felt at sea in a different culture and language, and unsure how to relate to the people around me, although I wanted very badly to relate to them. At one point in the party, people began taking turns singing, unaccompanied. I found a place to sit on the floor, and got ready to listen. When I recognized one song, I sang along with the chorus, and several people around me did too. I don't quite know how, but by the end of that song all my fear of being misunderstood, or of misunderstanding, was gone. The song had healed me inside. I felt whole, able to dance, sing, laugh, make music, talk, ask, relate. No silly hang ups would get in the way again.

Listening to Moya Brennan is a bit like that, too.

I first heard her in a little theatre in Calgary. It was a sold out crowd but not a big one. I hadn't heard Moya's music or voice much, except for a Clannad CD I'd picked up some years ago. I liked it, but not enough to explore more of their music.

I think the first thing I noticed about Moya and her band when they came on stage were their big, delighted smiles. And they weren't even smiling at the audience, exactly. They smiled at each other, with the goofy, happy smiles of people that share a joke or are doing something together that they absolutely love. I liked the music and the band, but similarly to the time when I sat at the feet of the singers in Scotland, I didn't really understand how it was reaching me. What I saw were people completely absorbed in what they were doing. As they sang, played their harps, drums, and fiddles, I suddenly realized that I was seeing something beautiful. Moya and her band do not look like models. They are well past their 30s. Moya is in her 50s. They are not what you might think of in the conventional sense when I say "beautiful people." But they were beautiful. They were some of the most beautiful people I had ever seen.

Afterwards I bought the live CD Moya was selling ("Heartstrings"), got her autograph, said hello to her briefly, and went home. Then I put the CD in the player and listened. And listened again. And again. I don't know how many times I listened in the first few weeks.

Moya's gentle songs of courage, endurance, faith, and finally joy were perhaps just what I needed at the time. She comes across not as a person who knows it all, nor as a person sells her pain or anger (it is clear she has experienced a lot of both), but as someone who tries to write honestly about the journey.

When I read a bit about Moya's life story, I gained more respect for her. She first became well-known as the lead singer of the band Clannad. In the 70s and 80s Clannad created a contemporary Celtic sound that is now recognized around the world. Sometimes they are referred to as New Age, a label that Moya finds rather limiting and that I think is too flaky for her. Her younger sister Enya also performed with Clannad for a while, but then went solo and acquired a huge audience and great wealth with her own unique fusion of Celtic/techno/classical.

Somewhere along the way to becoming popular and somewhat famous in the way that roots artists are, Moya got into the rock and roll lifestyle and made some poor choices. She wrote about these in her book The Other Side of the Rainbow and sometimes mentions the experiences in interviews. She used drugs, alcohol, was promiscuous. She had a brief marriage that failed. She had an abortion. She finally hit a very low point in life, which was when she rediscovered her faith. Some of that journey is explored in her songs.

I can perhaps appreciate Moya's music more from knowing her life story, but it isn't really necessary to know all about it. You can intuit from listening to her songs that this is a woman who has refined hard experience into character. She is one of those people who can experience a lot but still remain open to the world and all it offers. Her story does have a happy ending, so far: in her late 30s, after giving up on finding love, she met and married photographer Tim Jarvis, and they had two children.

Last year I found this documentary that was done when Moya released her album "An Irish Christmas." It's appropriate to the season and definitely has the best interview footage of her that's available online. Plus, Moya sings the beautiful songs on her Christmas album. Click on the photo to go to the page with the video. Once you get to the website, click the "video" button. It's in English with Dutch subtitles.

Moya Brennan Interview

Inappropriate and unacceptable

2009-12-02T12:27:00.004-07:00

I've always found these particular terms of condemnation very clunky and vague. I never thought about why we use them instead of other words, however, although I know 'twasn't always so.

Words that think for us
Inappropriate and unacceptable began their modern careers in the 1980s as part of the jargon of political correctness. They have more or less replaced a number of older, more exact terms: coarse, tactless, vulgar, lewd. They encompass most of what would formerly have been called “improper” or “indecent.” An affair between a teacher and a pupil that was once improper is now inappropriate; a once indecent joke is now unacceptable. (more)

Heroes: Hild of Whitby

2009-11-22T11:38:00.006-07:00

Hild of Whitby is going to be, in a way, the most difficult of my heroes to talk about. That's because she lived in the 7th century AD, and only one story about her, plus a handful of references, survive. The rest is conjecture, a superstructure built out of literary archeology and some actual archeology. To get to know her is to dive into a world where the boundaries between myth and history are porous and rarely clearly defined.

Hild came to me, or I came to Hild, however you want to look at it, via Bede's story of Caedmon. This is the one story where Hild is a main character, though her role in other stories and historical moments can be imagined. So, we might as well get it out there right now. Bede's story of Caedmon exists in several medieval manuscripts (somewhat unusual) and there is both a Latin and an Anglo-Saxon version, which are similar but not the same. Here are both versions (and a Modern English translation for your reading convenience!)

Bede's Story of Caedmon
http://www.heorot.dk/bede-caedmon-i.html
on Ben Slade's Beowulf on Steorarume website

If your read one or both the versions of that story, then you'll know 90% of what anybody knows about Hild or Caedmon. Scholars of various things - Anglo-Saxon, folklore, Irish history, women's history, archeology etc. - have tried to understand this story better by looking at it with reference to various other things: words and tropes that exist in the story and in other texts, myths about dream/creation, similarities between Caedmon's experience and that of Irish or Welsh poets; other women in medieval history, the physical culture of Whitby as revealed by the artefacts unearthed there (the last approach was taken up by yours truly in my joyous student days).

Bede's story of Caedmon has become one of my myths, meaning one of the stories I carry with me as talisman, power story, creation hymn. And this is how I will talk about it. I have studied it and absorbed a fair amount of the knowledge and bibliography surrounding it, but it is not primarily information that I will share now. The information and bibliography is out there for anyone who is curious about the story: Anglo-Saxon scholars today are as dedicated as the medieval scribes of old to preserving and sharing their texts of study and their scholarship. (And they are a very witty and intelligent community of people.) But I will talk about what Caedmon and Hild have become to me.

I first encountered Caedmon as a child. I read any book that got in my way when I was young. (Not much has changed.) I particularly liked history books, when they were written in an engaging way with lots of pictures, and one favourite was a nice fat book with stories from the history of Britain. It was picked up at the big annual library discard sale (a yearly ritual where my family would line up for an hour or so for a chance to go into a warehouse and pick up books by the box load, for a few dollars). It has detailed engravings and a few awesome colour plates which I can still recall as if I saw them ten minutes ago, even though I haven't looked inside that book for years. Like all of my favourite books, I read it over and over and over and over. I encountered the story again, much later, as a university student in my Old English course. This time I got to read it in the original Anglo-Saxon. Putting together the story word by word, phrase by phrase, seeing it again through adult eyes, was as much or more of a discovery than reading it for the first time as a child.

Both as a child and an adult, I found I could easily identify with the hero, Caedmon. He wanted to participate in the song circle but ended up on the side lines, listening to others, too shy or awkward to do his turn when the harp came around to him. He must have been considered quite boring by his fellow cowherds and pub-bench wits. I was another person who was labeled "shy" or "quiet" because I didn't speak up a lot in groups. However, quiet people are often not quiet at all: inside they may carry companies of voices, troupes of dancers, whole orchestras and choirs of music. To sit and listen is no passive act for quiet people of this sort: not much gets by them. It is never "in one ear and out the other." To be alone is not to be isolated or sad, but to be fully with oneself, imagining out an opus, a community of spirit; it is to feel more "together" than it is possible to be with the clacking crowd. Now that I've become literate in my own way of being, I would laugh at anyone who called me "quiet" (it rarely happens anymore). I would say "You aren't listening on the right frequency." Listening on the right frequency is a skill that is well worth practicing: I have known many "quiet people" who shock your socks off by suddenly revealing the garden within them, whether it's with photography, writing, artwork, conversation, music, or something else.

But people who are quiet in this way also long deeply for something else: for a real-life community of people who will bring out what they really are, who will encourage and allow that inner symphony to emerge. They are not lonely when they are by themselves, exactly, but they are lonely for that community of people. And for many it is very very hard to figure out where to find it. It is common to search for years not knowing exactly what one is looking for, or to look for the wrong thing, or look in the wrong place. Or perhaps, to give up and not bother to look at all, thinking that it is one's doom to always be alone, to even start to believe one's gifts or deep desires doom one to be alone. This is completely untrue, because those gifts are the very thing that should lead one to one's community, but the world is full of detours and charlatans and distractions and wastes-of-time and liars and it is not surprising that many people feel exactly that way.

I've been through all of those phases, more or less. I never gave in to the more destructive of the distractions: i.e. drugs, alcohol, or some other sort of detour from reality. Part of the reason why I was never particularly tempted to do so, however, has to be because I "knew" people like Caedmon from an early age. Caedmon hasn't found his real community at the beginning of the story. Scholars have speculated, because of his name and the manner in which his poem came to him, that he was a sort of cultural minority: a Brythonic man whose culture was in the process of being overwhelmed by Anglo-Saxon settlers and invaders. His shyness and inability to recite a poem or tell a story when the harp came to him may have been in part because he was unfamiliar with the Anglo-Saxon language, or lacked confidence. He may have had cultural reasons for not feeling like he "belonged." Or maybe it was just the way he was. There are always people like that. But there is more to the story.

Caedmon didn't give up. He kept going to the mead-hall to listen and learn, even though he knew that he would be laughed at when he couldn't participate like the others, that he would go away and hide by himself in the end, with who-knows-what desire and chorus of voices rising up in him, wanting out, wanting to say...what? When one is trying in this way, it can feel like time is slowing down, like things are getting interminably harder, like the whole world outside is pressing down, while the whole world inside is pressing up, and you only stay standing because you don't know which way to collapse. Somewhere, something is going to give. Trying is all very well, but this kind of trying makes you feel more than a little insane. And yet, you have to reach this point, the point where your own strength is simply not enough anymore. It's only then that you can feel and appreciate the strength of the something else.

And this is where the central mystery of the story is, and where Hild is too. As to the mystery, I can only tell it just the way it happens and just the way it is, because one could speculate and analyze it forever, but in the end it would still be a mystery, and that is entirely appropriate. After leaving the meadhall one...more...time, Caemon goes to the stable where his animals are and falls asleep. There he dreams a dream, and a "man" comes to him.

"Caedmon, sing me something," the man says.

Then he answered and said: "I do not know how to sing and for that reason I went out from this feast and went hither, because I did not know how to sing at all."

Again he said, he who was speaking with him: 'Nevertheless, you must sing.' ( 'Hwæðre þu meaht singan.')

Then he said: 'What must I sing?'

Said he: 'Sing to me of the first Creation.' When he received this answer, then he began immediately to sing in praise of God the Creator verses and words which he had never heard, whose order is this....

At that point the Anglo-Saxon version of the text includes the poem that Caedmon sang in his dream, and that he also remembered when he woke up (!).

I find these lines of dialogue delightful and hilarious, in the sense that they make me want to laugh with joy. I recognize Caedmon the shy cowherd, and I also recognize this man in the dream. This "man" has come to me in many shapes, sometimes as a human teacher or friend, sometimes through a song or book that arrived in my life at just the right miraculous moment, sometimes through a dream (yes) or as a beam of light through a crack in the wall that I never knew was there, at all. And it goes just like that: "I can't." "Nevertheless you must." "But what and how?" "This way."

For a person who creates, the most important thing he or she must learn is to listen, without question, to that voice that says "Now" and "Nevertheless you must" and "This way." And it always struck me as so intuitively right that the first song Caedmon sings is about the creation of the world, because he himself has been touched with the gift of creation.

After his miraculous dream, Caedmon goes on to speak his poem to others. He knows he has been given something real or true, and now there is no hesitation or shyness in his manner. He is not afraid of those with power. He goes straight to the town alderman, who sends him to Hild, the abbess. Hild assembles the most learned men, and Caedmon recites his poetry to them, too. No cringing, no running away now. They listen (another kind of miracle, but we'll get to that one) and Hild and her scholars declare that his gift is from God, and that from now on he will make poems in service to the abby. Caedmon has found his true community, the people who will nurture his gift, bring it out, give it the respect it deserves. He has arrived.

But then there's the other half of the story, and the other half is this: How there was a community for Caedmon to go to in the first place. And here now is Hild.

It took me a while to find my real community(ies) and the search is never over. But I believe that when you really try to do something worthwhile or find where you belong, that there are hints or markers showing the right way to go. Those hints are markers are put there by the people who are trying to find you, whether you know it or not. Even if you are trying in a confused way or seem to be just going in circles, the markers are there just the same. For example, I discovered quite soon that where I find one thing or person who is good, there are other good things and people as well. Good things do not exist in isolation; they are connected to each other in a kind of complex network, and the task is to find the threads that connect them to each other.

I have been lucky to find those kind of networks many times in my life. When was in my late teens/early 20s, I started talking to people in the online Celtic music network. There I found individuals who not only knew interesting things about Celtic music, but who had understanding and sympathy toward my way of seeing the world, who even helped me develop some of the job skills that led to me getting my first breaks in the adult world. I would never have guessed I would find them that way. It was astonishing what strangers were willing to do to help me out, and how quickly they became friends and allies. Some years later, when I started playing music in a community band, I was deeply touched by the music teachers who led the group. At that point in life I'd had some good teaching experiences, but some awful ones too, and although my self-confidence had started to recover, it was still pretty shaky. I didn't apply to any teaching jobs when I came back from Europe, nor would I even consider subsitute teaching. I was wary of schools in general and cringed a little when learned our music class was going to be in a public school. Again, what I found in our beginner music group was something I would never have guessed at. Our directors showed such love of music and people in all their interactions with us. They slowly helped convince me that teaching could be a tolerable and honourable undertaking. It was a huge part of what gave me the courage to get in front of a class again. Even with my self-imposed silence (it took months before I would admit to anyone in that group I was a teacher, and that was no coincidence, trust me) somehow, I was discovered, to myself and others. Again.

I see Hild in the story of Caedmon as one of the people who sets out the markers showing the way, who welcomes people 'home.' The evidence in Bede suggests that she was a very gifted teacher and administrator. She might have been married in early life; nobody knows. But fairly late in life by the standards of the time - she was 33 - she began founding houses of nuns and later, the double monastery at Whitby. She must also have been a very warm and approachable person; Bede says that everyone called her "Mother." Hild's astuteness is shown when she immediately recognizes Caedmon's gift. She herself was the daughter of a king, and well educated; she would not have had much in common with an illiterate cow-herd who may even have been of a different culture than her. But she immediately could see that something very special had happened to Caedmon, and that their futures would be intertwined. Without Hild, there would be no miracle of Caedmon; he would never have been heard of.

So even though I identify with the Caedmon of this story, over the years I've identified more and more with Hild, too, because they are linked in essential ways. In her I see all the people who have welcomed me, and shown me the way, and in her I see something of what I hope to be for others, too.

Heroes: Seamus Heaney

2009-11-15T10:54:00.003-07:00

I first came across Seamus Heaney in my second year university literature text book. I think the first thing that caught my eye was his name. The Irish-ness of it was exotic to me, a student who at that time had only traveled via books and imagination. Then the poem, "Punishment", had slightly lurid content. Nothing like a little luridness for getting a student's attention. (Seamus Heaney is actually significantly less lurid by comparsion than many contemporary poets.) But what caught me for good was Seamus Heaney's voice. He is keenly observant, almost scientific in his precise description of things. But at the same time, he maintains a very present, personal tone.

Punishment
I can feel the tug
of the halter at the nape
of her neck, the wind
on her naked front.

It blows her nipples
to amber beads,
it shakes the frail rigging
of her ribs.

I can see her drowned
body in the bog,
the weighing stone,
the floating rods and boughs.

Under which at first
she was a barked sapling
that is dug up
oak-bone, brain-firkin:

her shaved head
like a stubble of black corn
her blindfold a soiled bandage,
her noose a ring

to store
the memories of love
Little adulteress,
before they punished you

you were flaxen-haired,
undernourished, and your
tar-black face was beautiful.
My poor scapegoat,

I almost love you
but would have cast, I know
the stones of silence.
I am the artful voyeur

of your brain's exposed
and darkened combs,
your muscles' webbing
and all your numbered bones:

I who have stood dumb
when your betraying sisters,
cauled in tar,
wept by the railings,

who would connive
in civilized outrage
yet understand the exact
and tribal, intimate revenge.
******
In the poem the "betraying sisters" are Catholic girls who were publicly humiliated by the IRA for dating British soldiers. There were basically tarred and feathered and handcuffed to street railings. Heaney begins by observing the body of the Bronze age "adulteress," and feels pity for the brutal tribal revenge enacted on her for her crime. But then he also notices and comments on his own hypocrisy: he shouldn't act all superior and horrified about the customs of the ancient tribes, because he has witnessed a similar act in his own time, and was complicit in it.

Some people have read this poem as if it is normalizing brutality toward women, but I think that reading is missing the tone of the poem. I hear the poem as self-accusation, in a way: a recongnition that living in an advanced technological civilization hasn't made people's tribal and violent natures disappear. While the poem doesn't outright condemn that events that it describes, the speaker's recognition of what is inside him is somehow more powerful than an outright condemnation would be.

"Punishment" has a lot of the typical qualities of Heaney's poetry: using the past as a lens through which to understand the present; the use of excavation or "digging down" as a metaphor for the search for knowledge or insight; the careful observation and interpretation, or re-interpretation, of artefacts. Sometimes these artifacts are ancient artefacts like the bog bodies, or pieces of Viking carving, or bits of Old English or Latin poetry, but sometimes they are everyday objects:

A Kite for Michael and Christopher

All through that Sunday afternoon
A kite flew above Sunday,
a tightened drumhead, an armful of blow chaff.

I'd seen it grey and slippy in the making,
I'd tapped it when it dried out white and stiff,
I'd tied the bows of the newspaper
along its six-foot tail.

But now it was far up like a small black lark
and now it dragged as if the bellied string
were a wet rope hauled upon
to life a shoal.

My friend says that the human soul
is about the weight of a snipe
yet the soul at anchor there,
the string that sags and ascends,
weigh like a furrow assumed into the heavens.

Before the kite plunges down into the wood
and this line goes useless
take in your two hands, boys, and feel
the strumming, rooted, long-tailed pull of grief.
You were born fit for it.
Stand here in front of me
and take the strain.

************************
People often tell me that poetry is difficult and complicated and contains meanings that are always hidden for some reason, perhaps because of the malice or madness of the writer. I say: a poem is not like a messy closet where a few useful objects are hidden beneath piles and piles of junk that must be sorted through before anything of worth is discovered. Lots of things in life are exactly like that, but not poetry. A poem is like one of those reusable shopping bags that folds into a space as small as your fist, but can be unfolded to become a tote-bag that carries twenty times its mass. A poem does not take long. A poem weighs very little. You can tuck it into your handbag or pocket, and go about your business without even knowing it's there. No heavy book to haul around. No big expectations to harrow your mind. No nattering person at your ear trying to convince your of this or that or the other thing. When you need the poem, or your little shopping bag, you pull it out and poof! it expands into another form, makes itself ready for what you need at the moment. The real beauty of poetry is it's simplicity, compactness and praticality.

"A Kite for Michael and Christopher," one of my favourite poems ever, is a poem just like that. It is a simple poem: it's about Heaney making a kite with his two sons, Michael and Christopher. He describes the kite in detail, and how they go out on a Sunday afternoon and fly it. Then in stanza four the poem unfurls into a big bag, the kind that carries all sorts of meaning.

The kite becomes a metaphor of the soul. The soul tries to ascend, but is held onto by the person on the other end of the string. Heaney describes this in a variety of ways: flying the kite is plowing a field, it's like trying to pull up an anchor that is caught in a shoal. The feeling is labourous: keeping the soul up in the air, while not letting it fly completely away, is intense work.

In the last stanza Heaney, having apparently got the kite into the air, hands the line to his two boys.

Before the kite plunges down into the wood
and this line goes useless
take in your two hands, boys, and feel
the strumming, rooted, long-tailed pull of grief.
You were born fit for it.
Stand here in front of me
and take the strain.

Presumably when the kite plunges into the wood, then life will be over. In the meantime, hanging onto it, living life with your soul in the air, is one's life work. "Feel / the strumming, rooted, long-tailed pull of grief." Whose grief that is is not totally clear. Perhaps it is the soul's grief: the soul wants to fly higher and higher into the sky, but can only go so far because it is attached to a mortal. Or perhaps it is through grief, the inevitable grief that comes from living, that one begins to feel the presence of the soul. Probably there's something of both meanings in it. The lesson that Heaney passes onto his children is: Don't be afraid of grief. Grief will come, but in the end its presence means you are alive. It means that as a human you strive to reach into the heavens. And you are strong enough to take the pain with the beauty. Indeed, grief is almost a beautiful thing in the poem: "strumming, rooted, long-tailed." It is like the music of a harp, like a firmly rooted tree, like a long-tailed kite flying in the wind. And we can "take the strain:" by holding on to the soul, accepting the grief, we can live fully.

I see this poem as a twin to a "Old Smoothing Iron," a section from "Shelf Life," which again looks at every day artefacts and tells a story about each one. This one, I believe, is about Heaney's mother.

2 Old Smoothing Iron

Often I watched her lift it
from where its compact wedge
rode the back of the stove
like a tug at achor.

To test its heat by ear
she spat in its iron face
or held it up next her cheek
to divine the stored danger.

Soft thumps on the ironing board.
Her dimpled angled elbow
and intent stoop
as she aimed the smoothing iron

like a plane into linen
like the resentment of women
To work, her dumb lunge says,
is to move a certain mass

through a certain distance,
is to pull your weight and feel
exact and equal to it.
Feel dragged upon. And buoyant.

*******

Labour is another theme that comes up in Heaney's poetry, especially physical labour. This poem plays upon the scientific definition of work: to move an object of a certain mass through a certain distance. The work described is not work involving a lot of education or intellectualism, and yet the poem suggests that satisfaction comes from "pulling your weight" and feeling exact and equal to the thing being moved. Whatever the particular task, there's pleasure in feeling equal to it and seeing your actions move something in the world. Even if one's job is not always utterly fascinating, even if there are some dull, repetitive moments, there's a reward in seeing something moved or transformed by one's efforts, however big or small.

Poetry like this is the reason that I often turn to Seamus Heaney as a restorative, or when I need a clear voice to drown out the babble around me. They are the sort of poems that you want to memorize and carry around like a gift, like a piece of life-saving luggage that is as big as a sunset but doesn't weigh even a gram.

As a student, Seamus Heaney also spoke to me because we shared, in a way, a journey into the English language. When he wrote about reading and translating Anglo-Saxon (Old English), the words rang true for me:

Bone-house:
a skeleton
in the tongue's
old dungeons.

I push back
through dictions
Elizabethan canopies.
Norman devices,

the erotic Mayflowers
of Provence
and the ivied Latins
of churchmen

to the scop's
twang, the iron
flash of consonants
cleaving the line.

What Heaney describes here is a journey back through the English language, passing through the stages of Elizabethan (Shakespearean) English, past the influence of the Normans (Middle English) and Latin, back to the Anglo-Saxon roots, to a language that is almost more recognizable to German speakers than modern English speakers. A scop was an Anglo-Saxon poet; the "iron flash of consonants cleaving the line" was the way that scops used alliterative sounds (which is unfortunately rather hard to render in Modern English; but I'll keep my eye out if I find a good example.)

In the coffered
riches of grammar
and declensions
I found ban hus,

its fire, benches,
wattel and rafters,
where the soul
fluttered for a while

in the roofspace.
There was a small crock
for the brain,
and a cauldron

of generation
swung at the centre:
love-den, blood-holt,
dream-bower.

IV

Come back past
philology and kennings,
re-enter memory
where the bone's lair

is a love-next
in the grass.
I hold my lady's head
like a crystal

and ossify myself
by gazing: I am screes
on her escarpments,
a chalk giant

carved upon her downs.
Soon my hands, on the sunken
fosse of her spine
move toward the passes.

********

This is incantatory writing; it takes you to a world-between-worlds, as Clarissa Estes would call it. "In the coffered riches of grammar / and declensions / I found ban hus": It might seem odd to think of the study of grammar being liberating; one might think of soaring eagles, floating clouds, or Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto Number 1 as liberating, but not grammar, for goodness' sake. But in Heaney's poetry, it's digging down into the darkness, feeling the the weight of the bone, doing the hard labour that liberates.

And indeed, I experienced this too. Struggling to understand and form Old English grammar freed me and excited my poetic voice, in a way that nothing had previously. There is something about Old English that feels like handling clay, that feels like touching the very bricks and mortar of language itself. I felt the same way when I began learning music: the endless exercises and scales were the opposite of boring, even if I wasn't making music quite yet. It was engendering, astonishing, cosmic, unbelievable except for being more real than anything I could imagine: I was touching the essence of a thing, and its power was coming to me.

Seamus Heaney is interested in the past, but he doesn't write about the past per se, nor is his writing anachronistic. Instead it seems to exist in a place where past and present are equally in the moment.

Child on the way, it won't be long until
You land among us. Your mother's showing signs,
Out for her sunset walk among the big bales.
Planet earth like a teething ring suspended
Hangs by its world-chain. Your pram waits in the corner.
Cows are let out. They're sluicing the milk-house door.

This segment from "Bann Valley Eclogues" has one of my favourite lines ever: "Planet Earth like a teething ring hangs by its world-chain." "World-Chain" is a kenning: an Anglo-Saxon construction that is part metaphor, part riddle. If the Anglo-Saxons knew anything about gravity they might have described it so. But the image of planet earth dangling in space, fragile, beautiful, new, is not an image that any Anglo-Saxon scop would have ever come up with. Only someone of the 20th century, who has seen pictures of Earth as viewed from space, would think of that one. In that one line, the ancient past and present come together in a moment.

In Heaney's poetry one is often aware of the here and the there, and the tension between them. But the tension is not, or not always, the kind that pulls things apart, that is anxious or uncomfortable. Rather, it is like the tension of a violin string: without it, the string would not be in tune, no music would be possible. Perhaps this is another reason I identify with Heaney: I am a naturally "high strung" person, easily brought to a state of tension, who lives about equally in both the "outer" world and the "inner" one. Such a way of being can lead to a lot of anxiety, of wondering where one is, who one is, how it all fits together, how things can ever be unified. But if I switch my thinking, think of tension as something that can be finely tuned, managed, engineered, it becomes something quite different.

Steady under strain and strong through tension
Its feet on both sides but in neither camp
It stands its ground, a span of pure attention
A holding action, the arches and ramp
Steady under strain and strong through tension.

Reading through Seamus Heaney's poetry again, I enjoyed some old favourites, and noticed other poems that I hadn't before. Like all good books, they are a slightly different journey each time. Some poems seemed more personal to me, others seemed more resonant with meanings that I hadn't found the first time. The other part of Seamus Heaney's writing that I enjoy deeply is his writing on other writers. But that's a whole other topic. Finders Keepers, Heaney's collection of essays on other poems who have been significant or inspiring, is one of my most treasured books.

There's not a lot of his prose online, but his Nobel Acceptance speech can be read here, if you would like more of Heaney in his own words.

Heroes: Dr. Estes

2009-11-08T11:32:00.007-07:00

The other day I was talking to a good friend about dreams, and Clarissa Pinkola Estes came up. When I was 17 I was wandering through a bookstore for no particular reason, as I did quite often back then. On impulse, I pulled off the shelf a book called Women Who Run with the Wolves. * A glance at the cover, a look at the chapter titles, a perusal of the first chapter - I no longer remember what the exact reason was - but something made me decide with no hesitation to buy it, right then and there.

* Each link in this entry points to a different website with information on the book.

By the time I walked out of the store, I was so captivated by this book that I walked home with it open in front of me, reading. I don't think I've ever done that with a book before or since, not even later in university when delving into books was my full-time occupation.

Dr. Estes is a story-teller ("cantadora" in Mexican), Jungian psychoanalyst, poet, therapist, and more than anything a woman with an unnervingly accurate reading of my own spiritual reality. Women Who Run with the Wolves has sold more than a million copies so clearly there are others who get a similarly good shake-out from her.

For a good four or five years after I bought the book, I read and re-read Women Who Run with the Wolves regularly, in whole or in part. It was my go-to book if I ever felt too tired, discouraged, stressed, frustrated, creatively dry, or whatever, which were things I felt quite often in my late teens/early twenties. (It was great to be that age, in many ways, but I wouldn't choose to live it over again, or be twenty-one forever, that's for sure. The belief that I will age gracefully and calm the hell down has always been the hope of my life.) I would never have lent Women Who Run with the Wolves to anyone or put it anywhere where it could not be picked up at a moment's notice.

It was only after graduating with my first degree (at age 22) that I began to feel like I was outgrowing Estes, a little. It was a natural process. I encountered Seamus Heaney, St. Augustine, and Thomas Carlyle, among others, and I also felt a deep recognition of their voices. I became one of the many people who reads Old English (Anglo-Saxon) literature and feels like an explorer discovering an ancient, lost continent, but one that is at the same time marvelously new. But every reading of a great book can be like that. In my case, learning the grammar of a dead language was one of the most liberating things I had ever done. (Life is not necessarily what you expect.)

So, I stopped reading WWRWTW so often, though I know it remains in my mind. Once I became a bit more knowledgeable of who I am, I could accept that other writers than Estes could also reach me on a similar deep level. Still, she was probably the first writer I encountered as semi-mature person who helped me to see that there is a community of like minds "out there," who gave me the courage to look for them and keep looking. Many of Estes' quotes are never far from mind. "An artist is an artist from the moment she picks up the brush. A runner is a runner from the moment she laces her shoes." My friend Knate gave me the same idea in six succinct words: "You are what you are becoming." The perfectionist in me needs to hear that, so I don't tear my work to pieces before it is begun.

Anyway, after the brief conversation with my friend, I decided to read Women Who Run With the Wolves again, just for the heck of it. And it's still a great read. It's still a book I would recommend.

This being the age of the internet, I decided to see what I could learn about Dr. Estes now. Google wasn't around when I first read WWRWTW. I discovered she's still doing lots of good work around the U.S.A as a trauma therapist, among other things, and encountered a few intelligent blog entries about current events. Of course everybody is blogging these days, but Dr. Estes is the kind who takes the time to discuss the background, share some knowledge, and really explain her point of view, instead of just spouting off. Always appreciated.

I also discovered this link, which is a closing address to the 2004 Call to Action conference (CTA is a movement within the Catholic church that works for "equality and justice in the Church and society. ") I make no endorsement of Dr. Estes political or religious views as such; I don't know enough about the CTA to say much about it either way. I did enjoy this account because I learned about the life of a woman whose writing has connected very deeply with me. Her story is one of those you can sense before you read the details of her life, because she has distilled experience into her craft. But it's also interesting to learn some of the details, and I gain more respect for her as a person after reading her personal story. And I love the energy of belief and spirit that comes through in her account of herself. She is a fighter, a woman who has been through some dark times but is not afraid to hold up a light, however small, to show a way to others.

So I share. And it gives me an idea for this blog, too. I've not been inspired with any subjects lately. I'm going to do a series on my heroes, and try to find an article or a poem or essay or a piece of music by them that really illuminates who they are. I could also call the female heroes (of which there are many) "heroines," but "heroine" has a rather brittle sound to my ears. I think I would rather call them "girly heroes." :-)

Anyway, we'll call Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes the first of the series, which chronologically, she basically is. Here she is in her own words, talking about herself.

The Church Beneath the Church.

When we walked to church with my grandmother and were in view of the church, she would often say, “See that church?” “Yes, we see that church,” we would say. “That’s not our church,” she would say. “Yes it is, grandma, that’s our church.” “No, no. Our Church is beneath that church. We don’t belong to that brick church. We belong to the Church underneath that church.” (more)

Another report with great insights into happiness! Or not.

2009-10-17T13:21:00.002-06:00

Okay, in general (and nothing has yet convinced me to reconsider this view) I think attempts to measure happiness are all quite hopeless. One might be able to compare parts of one's own life and say certain times were more or less happy, but it's much harder to do that with somebody else's life. Likewise, for the purposes of maintaining sanity most people come up with some sort of definition of happiness for themselves, but if someone tries to judge somebody else's life by their definition, confusion results. I suppose there is value in learning about other people's views of happiness, from people themselves and from the vicarious experiences in books, to better understand how you see happiness. But when you try to talk about happiness in very precise and scientific terms, it becomes rather reductionist and silly.

I believe that everybody needs to experience their life as meaningful. I actually think that's more important than being happy, though of course nobody wants to be miserable. However, people are quite capable of going through a difficult, even agonizing time in their life, and finding meaning in it. Living with meaning may not make them happy, at least not right away, but they still see themselves in connection with something greater. If however, someone doesn't know how to find meaning in life, then even having all kinds of "things" that are associated with being happy isn't really going to make them happy. Bascially, I think happiness is a by-product of doing something meaningful and recognizing it as meaningful.

Anyway, I still can't resist readings those surveys of happiness, the ones I think are always useless! Not sure why. Maybe I'm hoping to get some feeling of zeigeist from them, or confirm something I already sense.

Feminism made women miserable. This, anyway, seems to be the most popular takeaway from "The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness," a recent study by Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers which purports to show that women have become steadily unhappier since 1972. Maureen Dowd and Arianna Huffington greeted the news with somber perplexity, but the more common response has been a triumphant: I told you so. (more)

The article has some good points about happiness surveys in general.

Need another reason to eat Greek Salad?

2009-10-07T10:28:00.006-06:00

Another study that may or may not be based on anything remotely serious. But, common sense backs this one up (I think!)

Mediterranean diet tied to lower depression risk

SASKATCHEWAN (CBC) - People who eat a Mediterranean diet rich in fruit, vegetables and cereals may be less likely to develop depression, Spanish researchers have found.

The prevalence of mental disorders is lower in Mediterranean countries than in countries in Northern Europe. Dietary differences, such as use of olive oil, may be the reason, the researchers said.

To find out more, Almudena Sánchez-Villegas and colleagues at the clinic of the University of Navarra, in Pamplona, studied 10,094 healthy Spaniards who filled in questionnaires. Participants were followed for an average of 4½ years.

Those who followed the Mediterranean diet most closely had a more than 30 per cent reduction in risk of depression compared with those who ate diets with the fewest hallmarks of the Mediterranean diet, the team reported in the October issue of Archives of General Psychiatry.
Other factors such as marital status, number of children and factors associated with a healthy diet, as well as personality traits such as anxiety were taken into account.

Over the study period, 480 new cases of depression were identified 156 in men and 324 in women.

"The specific mechanisms by which a better adherence to the Mediterranean dietary pattern could help to prevent the occurrence of depression are not well known," the study's authors concluded.

They speculated that elements of the diet or the combination of foods may improve blood vessel function, fight inflammation and reduce oxygen-related cell damage to reduce the risk of developing depression.

The Mediterranean diet includes nine features, including:

In particular, people who ate the most fruits, nuts and legumes showed the lowest risks for depression.

Participants who had a strong adherence to the diet tended to be more physically active, male, former smokers, married and older.

Last year, Dutch researchers suggested depression in older people may be linked to low levels of Vitamin D, which is obtained from sun exposure.

Treasure!

2009-09-24T15:42:00.003-06:00

This news story about a wonderful archeological find takes me back to that first magical visit to the British museum. I didn't get very far on that occasion; I was so enchanted by the Anglo-Saxon jewelry and Sutton-Hoo artifacts that I spent I don't know how long gazing at them, transfixed.

Huge hoard of Anglo-Saxon treasure found in Britain, could be largest ever recovered

LONDON - An amateur treasure hunter prowling English farmland with a metal detector stumbled upon the largest Anglo-Saxon treasure ever discovered, a massive collection of gold and silver crosses, sword decorations and other items, British archaeological experts said Thursday. (more)

Answers to unanswerable questions

2009-09-15T19:41:00.002-06:00

October 2008

I would like to ask
questions that are unanswerable.
Like where does the music come from
inside me, because I'm quite sure
it's not all just coming
from the outside in.

It is a gift; like all gifts, one chooses to accept it or not.

Where does the fear come
from, that keeps me lying awake
when everything is already taken care of, and it's time to rest?
And what about love
Can you hold onto it once it comes
Or is it like the tide,
Coming and going
And will my story have a happy ending
or a tragic one?
Because I can see either one
Being possible; I just wish
I knew what to expect, so I would be ready.
But I suppose it doesn't work like that.
And I would like to know
Where all the roads go
that I don't take as I drive past.
Not because I want to turn around
and change my course, but it would be fun
to go as a tourist, on a day trip.
But for that matter,
How do I know I'm not
a tourist right now?
Just because I've been here
for a long time, doesn't
prove I'm doing anything more
than just visiting.
But then again, perhaps this moment
is as permanent as anything
will ever get. Maybe tomorrow
some house of cards will fall
somewhere, across an ocean
and a moth will fly the
other way out over the ruins and
for the rest of my life I'll be wondering
about it. Things like that happen.
The truth is I could lie here
adding point after point to the list
of things I don't pretend to understand
at all, and all that would really happen
is my blood would get colder and colder
which since I have a cozy hot
water bottle at my feet
doesn't upset me much at all.
And I'll turn my attention to
other people, other creatures
because maybe in my broken way
of caring, there's some way to another
kind of place. But still,
I'd like to ask unanswerable questions.

Unanswerable questions.

2009-09-09T22:10:00.003-06:00

I found this poem-like thing in a journal from last year. I rather liked it. Maybe I'll turn it into a real poem. Or write a sequel where I write the answers I've invented for the unanswerable questions since I wrote this. I think most of my beliefs and overall outlook on life are based on answers I've invented for unanswerable questions. I know they're not totally adequate, but I need to come up with something.

________________________________

October 2008

I would like to ask
questions that are unanswerable.
Like where does the music come from
inside me, because I'm quite sure
it's not all just coming
from the outside in.
Where does the fear come
from, that keeps me lying awake
when everything is already taken care of, and it's time to rest?
And what about love
Can you hold onto it once it comes
Or is it like the tide,
Coming and going
And will my story have a happy ending
or a tragic one?
Because I can see either one
Being possible; I just wish
I knew what to expect, so I would be ready.
But I suppose it doesn't work like that.
And I would like to know
Where all the roads go
that I don't take as I drive past.
Not because I want to turn around
and change my course, but it would be fun
to go as a tourist, on a day trip.
But for that matter,
How do I know I'm not
a tourist right now?
Just because I've been here
for a long time, doesn't
prove I'm doing anything more
than just visiting.
But then again, perhaps this moment
is as permanent as anything
will ever get. Maybe tomorrow
some house of cards will fall
somewhere, across an ocean
and a moth will fly the
other way out over the ruins and
for the rest of my life I'll be wondering
about it. Things like that happen.
The truth is I could lie here
adding point after point to the list
of things I don't pretend to understand
at all, and all that would really happen
is my blood would get colder and colder
which since I have a cozy hot
water bottle at my feet
doesn't upset me much at all.
And I'll turn my attention to
other people, other creatures
because maybe in my broken way
of caring, there's some way to another
kind of place. But still,
I'd like to ask unanswerable questions.

(this is why it's fun to keep a journal. So you can look back and think "WTF??")

Hmmm....

2009-08-21T10:23:00.004-06:00

Haven't updated in a long time, since the summer has been very busy (in a good way.)

Next week I head back into that strange phenomena called School, or Education. These days people like to ask me if I'm "ready" to go back to school.

HA!!!!

As if there's any way to be ready for it.....

If the question "Are you ready for school" means, Have I Done My Photocopying, the answer is indisputably NO, of course. But in other ways, I suppose I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Like Life, School (or Education) has a way of happening if you are ready for it or not. I think I have achieved the highest level of peace of mind that I ever will attain by being able to accept that the majority of the time. To add to Mother Teresa's excellent list of "Anyway" aphorisms: "Life will demand things of you that you have no preparation for whatsoever. Take them on with no regrets and do your best anyway."

I might post a general blog about the summer at some point. Maybe. I'm working on a photo album/scrapbook of summer holiday at the moment, so no promises to be up to date with the online material.

Flutes were invented before the wheel.

2009-07-07T09:35:00.002-06:00

Summer days mean extra time to learn about interesting topics, for example the invention of the wheel.

In between playing music for the Canadian Badlands Passion Play, taking ballet classes, and well, vacation, I have another goal for the summer: Read at least one Big Fat Heavy Non-fiction book. I'm thinking some kind of history, philosophy, religion, or science. Most likely a classic, because then I know it will be good, but something by a modern writer will do if they have a clue. Any fans of big fat heavy books out there, feel free to make recommendations.

Gonna do it all someday

2009-06-17T18:00:00.001-06:00

Kim S. shared this Karine Polwart video with me, and I love it!

On the last day I see my students this year, I'm going to put it out there for good luck, and dedicate it to all 9 of them. I believe they are going to "do it all someday", too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YYRXrW-XKA

Making things

2009-06-11T18:42:00.004-06:00

A while ago my ed assistant and I were discussing what we want to do with our last weeks of classes. She is a very creative person who regularly comes up with ideas for crafts or small cooking projects. "Let's doing something hands on because I can't think anymore," I suggested. That is quite true. I've been using my head all year and it's about worn out. It's about time to let another part of my personality out. On one hand I believe I am reasonably good at thinking. People have always told me I'm "smart" or "intelligent" even when I don't particularly feel that way. The vast majority of paid work I've had throughout life has involved using my brain. The vast majority of my education has also focused on developing thinking skills.

I do sometimes wonder what things would have been like if I'd taken a different path. While I am naturally very curious and intellectual, I'm also a very physical person. The outdoors wake up my spirit. My body longs to dance. I never read instruction manuals if I can help it - I'd rather tinker and figure things out by trial and error. I collect odd and ends and arrange and use them in different ways than what they were originally meant for. Cooking is utterly satisfying. I love working with yarn to create new things, and I find putting together a collage mysteriously relaxing and renewing to the spirit.

I'm a knowledge worker but sometimes I feel like there's a piece missing, and when I'm in my work environment of computers and paper and white walls, I wonder sometimes what I'm really doing. Working with kids is a pretty good compromise, mind you - I do get to see the results of my work, for better or worse. I'm certainly a lot more than a cog in a machine. I'm still part of a bureaucracy, but I can forget about that most of the time.

Anyway, we eventually decided to try a few needlepoint and sewing projects. I've never really learned to use a sewing machine, but I was trippy with excitement when we went to pick up our machines. And after the machines, the accessories, the thread, the bolts of cloth..... Wow, I thought, we can use this stuff to actually make something. The thought made me feel almost intoxicated.

Before any of this happened, we'd also had a day where we cleaned up the entire classroom (using natural cleaners made of water, baking soda, vinegar, and lemon juice.) The part I enjoyed best about the whole thing, I admit, was unplugging all the computers and taking out every single mouse, keyboard, and network cable. I have nothing against computers, but I found that action so utterly satisfying. We were offline, unplugged, un-interfaced - and totally engaged with our physical space.

Incidentally, our initial experiments with needlepoint and sewing machines have gone well. Most of the students have found aspects of working with their hands challenging, but to give them credit they've stuck with it....and seem to be enjoying it. And I am too.

So, maybe that goes some way to explaining why I enjoyed this article, even though I've never taken a shop class, and have pretty much no mechanical knowledge. There's something about creating a thing, no matter how imperfect, that fulfills the self much more and much longer than the act of buying something.

....the postindustrial world is not in fact populated ..... by “bizarre mavericks operating at the bohemian fringe.” The truth about most white-collar office work, Crawford argues, is captured better by “Dilbert” and “The Office”: dull routine more alienating than the machine production denounced by Marx. Unlike the electrician who knows his work is good when you flip a switch and the lights go on, the average knowledge worker is caught in a morass of evaluations, budget projections and planning meetings. None of this bears the worker’s personal stamp; none of it can be definitively evaluated; and the kind of mastery or excellence available to the forklift driver or mechanic are elusive. Rather than achieving self-mastery by confronting a “hard discipline” like gardening or structural engineering or learning Russian, people are offered the fake autonomy of consumer choice, expressing their inner selves by sitting in front of a Harley-Davidson catalog and deciding how to trick out their bikes. (more)

Consolations of Pessimism

2009-05-24T21:24:00.002-06:00

A long time ago - okay, not THAT long ago - I used to look forward to the time in my life when I would have overcome all my problems and be finally ready to really live. Even when I think I've outgrown the notion, I still sometimes find myself hanging on to it. It generally takes this form: "As soon as I do ____________ things will get much better and it will be plain sailing/peace and order/life in the lawn chair."

Over the years I've tried to slowly let go of the idea. It's not that problems are never overcome; but the world is too big and imperfect a place to ever say they are permanently overcome. Same with people: there's just no way to ever make any of us perfect. I'm usually known as a pretty upbeat and optimistic person. I also believe that it is necessary to accept the presence of tragedy in human life. Not to be indifferent to it; not to give into despair, but to recognize that no matter how lucky or happy we are at any given moment life is going to bring us smack up against our limitations, sooner or later. We can regret those limitations, reflect on them, seek even to move beyond them: but the price of sanity is to accept them.

So I enjoyed this essay, and wanted to share. It's worth reading even if only for the two quotes in the last paragraph ;-)

...The modern bourgeois philosophy pins its hopes firmly on two great presumed ingredients of happiness: love and work (more specifically, a healthy bonus). But a vast unthinking cruelty lies discreetly coiled within this magnanimous assurance that everyone will discover satisfaction here. It isn’t that love and work are invariably incapable of delivering fulfillment—only that they almost never do for too long. And when an exception is misrepresented as a rule, our individual misfortunes, instead of seeming inevitable, weigh down on us like curses. In denying the natural place reserved in the human lot for longing and disaster, this philosophy denies us the possibility of collective consolation for our fractious marriages, our unexploited ambitions, and our exploded portfolios, and condemns us instead to solitary feelings of shame and persecution for having stubbornly failed to make more of ourselves. (more)

Music, friends, hamburgers, sunshine (well, off and on)

2009-05-11T20:13:00.006-06:00

We had a great end to the musical year at Westwinds, with the Year-End Concert and BBQ on Saturday. This is my 3rd year with Westwinds and there's always something special to remember the year by. I felt like I really challenged myself this year, and made a lot of progress musically, even though there were a lot of other (good) things going on in my life that also demanded a lot of focus and energy!

A total of 5 Westwinds concert bands played and 4 choirs. Here's just a tiny sample of some of the music. Bronze Band played 5 selections. Here's a clip from one of them, "A Childhood Hymn".

Note the rain merrily pouring down on our dedicated fans. Westwinds Artistic Direct Kevin Wilms introduced the concert and added, "Let's hope it doesn't hail." Of course, as soon as we started playing down came the hail. But the showers didn't last long and by the time Silver Band played, at around 4pm, the sun was shining.

One of the pieces Silver performed was "A Day at the Circus." This piece featured a speaking part, the Ringmaster, here played by Bryan:

Bronze Band group photo. Go team! It was great making music with you all.

(Click on the photo to see a bigger image)

In other news....

2009-05-03T21:21:00.000-06:00

It's May and it's not snowing. Just wanted to point that out.

Happy Earth Day

2009-04-22T20:58:00.006-06:00

Outside, the evening is a mystifying shade of majorelle blue. It's the precise shade of blue that happens when the light of a long spring evening reflects off the snow that is clinging to everything from the first blades of grass to the chimney-tops of the houses.

Yup, it's springtime in Alberta. Tulips, robins, sunshine - and snow. Love it or leave it.

In other news it's Earth Day, and here is a Moya Brennan's "Voices of the Land." Yup, I've got a Moya Brennan song for every occasion. I'm talented that way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdOeDBjFtg0&feature=channel_page

As I journey through this blessed land
The signs and wonders are clear to me
Streams of silver, streams of gold
How much longer will they flow?
Will they flow?

Watch the seasons change with every year
With disappearing skies, the earth will fade
Trees so tall and proud, forest so grand
How much longer will they stand?
Will they stand?

Raindrops falling, everything breathes
Hear the voices of the land
Of the land

Susan!

2009-04-17T20:07:00.004-06:00

I figure most people have heard about Susan Boyle by now. Just in case not, she's a lady from a small town in Scotland who went on some British talent show, sang a song from Les Miserables, and dropped jaws all over the world (thanks in part to YouTube etc. making her performance available)

I'm pretty good at tuning out "the news." But every once in so often there's something worth paying attention to, and Susan Boyle is one of those things.

Here's the video of Susan's performance. You can get the story all over the internet so won't repeat it. Anyway, you can see from the video why people have, er, had some strong reactions to her performance, for various reasons.

Personally, I dig her version of "Cry Me a River":

In this clip you can just hear her voice, without the rather icky audience reactions in the clip from the TV show.

My favourite commentary is the letters following this article from Salon.com:

Yes, I'm obsessed with Susan Boyle , too. I've watched the video of her performance .... at least a dozen times, and I've yet to get through it without welling up.

For the record I think Susan Boyle has a wicked good voice. And she sings from the heart, and people will make what they like of that, but I dare anyone not be moved. The other thing that Susan Boyle says to me is that you don't have to be famous or almost-famous or conventionally marketable to have a dream and be the best at what you can do. The "ordinary" people that we interact with (or don't?) every day often have as much or more talent as the "famous" clowns that are paraded in the media.

Oh....and Go Susan! I hope she can bring some good for herself out of the hype. In any case, the people who get to hear her sing in her church choir (I assume she gets the occasional solo?) are very, very lucky.

Easter! Springtime! All that good stuff.

2009-04-10T10:51:00.002-06:00

Moya Brennan's "No Scenes of Stately Majesty" is one of my favourite videos. Beautiful photography and singing. And now that it's Easter, I have a perfect excuse to post it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mm8BPyK_PtY

Can't embed it, sorry - you'll have to click.

The song isn't traditional but the imagery and attitude is so totally Irish that it makes me smile every time.

April

2009-04-01T20:43:00.004-06:00

April is my favourite month. It's the beginning of spring though too early for green grass and buds anywhere except in the imagination. Still, it feels like a current of energy is running through dormant nature, a current that's echoed in the constant runoff of melting of snow and ice.

My favourite song for spring is Tommy Makem's "Rambles of Spring." It captures the optimism and excitement I always feel infected by this time of year.

Women's shopping habits.

2009-04-01T08:54:00.002-06:00

I found this funny:

Shopping sprees linked to periods

Women may be able to blame impulse buys and extravagant shopping on their time of the month, research suggests.

In the 10 days before their periods began women were more likely to go on a spending spree, a study found.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7971578.stm

No Easy Way

2009-03-31T22:10:00.003-06:00

Today I received the final piece of my teaching evaluation. It is the first one I have had since student teaching days. It feels like a day of vindication, in a way.

On one hand, I'm not looking for someone to tell me I'm doing the right job, or that I can be, in my way, reasonably good at it. I'm not looking for someone to tell me I can trust myself. I'm not looking for those things because I have learned that if I don't believe (deep within) that I'm doing the right thing, there's not a person or a power on earth that can make it right for me.

Nevertheless, this evaluation represents a kind of order and official recognition that has been missing from my journey. In the worst days of darkness and disorder (and that's how my teaching life started) that sort of order and sanity seemed to be far out of reach.

Some people start with a dream. I didn't, honestly. I don't consider myself a born teacher, at all. My dream is one I have pieced together along the way, that I'm still trying to piece together. Much of the time, it feels like I'm wandering by the ocean, looking at what junk (or treasure) the tide has brought in this day. Sometimes there's enough junk to start building something. Often as not, the tide comes in, or the storms hits, and anything I've built gets washed out to sea. But every time the tide goes out again, it leaves something new behind. Something I can use to build a creation that I couldn't have pictured in my wildest dreams, just a few short years ago. Somehow, I'm learning not to fear the sea and its power.

Three years ago, I literally spent hours walking by the sea, in Greece. It was a time to wonder what I really wanted, what was worth hanging on to, what had to be let go. I had come from London and a very distressing experience of rejection and failure there. I doubted myself: a great understatement. I had also seen first hand that human beings can be hideous. We may all have good in us, but trust me, it doesn't necessarily appear of its own accord! At such times, one craves answers but finds few. The best guide turns out to be gentle questions. To whom does one ask such questions? Who hears them? I don't know. Perhaps this is what some people think of as prayer.

Capercaillie's song "The Fisherman's Dream" was one of the songs that resonated with me, that brought my spirit the peace it needed to seek its truth. It is a song that's made up of questions, and pictures that fade and form. Today it comes back to me, and I feel the questions inside me all over again. What happened to the dream? Did the sea take it, and will it bring it back? Am I dreaming still?

And now, sleep in peace.

Gold at the end of the Rainbow

2009-03-26T19:43:00.002-06:00

The Arts show from Radio Ireland for the 18th of March features both Seamus Heaney and Moya Brennan. Can you say mmmmmmmmmmmm?

See here (links on the right hand side):
http://www.rte.ie/arts/2009/0318/theartsshow_av.html?2510066,null,209

I so want to be a curmudgeon one day.

2009-03-22T11:54:00.002-06:00

...But I'm still a tad too young and cute and naive. In the meantime, I'll quote Victor Davis Hanson.

I'm not American, but culturally close enough to feel the resonance of what he's talking about.

Thoughts About Depressed Americans

Why are so many Americans so depressed about things these days? It is perhaps not just the economy.

I think the answer is clear: all the accustomed referents, the sources of security, of knowledge and reassurance appear to be vanishing. Materially, we still enjoy a sumptuous lifestyle in comparison with past generations — and the world outside our borders. America remains the most sane and successful society on the planet.

But there is a strange foreboding, a deer-in-the-headlights look to us that we may be clueless Greeks in the age of Demosthenes, played-out Romans around AD 450, or give-up French in late 1939 — with a sense it cannot go on. Why? Let us count the ways.

More: http://www.victorhanson.com/articles/hanson032209.html

My favourite quote:

For the present I think that we have enough social service bureaucrats, enough consultants, enough PhDs that will lecture how race/class/gender has made us, our air, our dogs even, so unfair. We simply are thirsty for the unapologetic doer, who never says he’s sorry for himself or his country or his ancestors, but instead thinks and plans how he can build something better and leave it for others — the age old agrarian commandment “make sure you leave a better farm than you inherit.” Where are they all, in the grave?

Alright. I have a week off next week to recharge/rethink. And one thing I'll think about is what I can "build" (in the literal or metaphoric sense) that will outlast me. Never too late for another New Year's Resolution, is it? It dumped snow last night so it could be January 1st as easily as March 22nd.

Google Games

2009-03-13T17:05:00.005-06:00

Some foolishness from Ary....appropriate to a Friday!

I didn't make any of it up. Honest.

Go to Google and...

1. Type in "[your name] needs"
In order to start operating, IRENA needs headquarters and a Director-General.

2. Type in "[your name] looks like"
Irena says: "I use animal images to tell about persons. Furthermore, certainly about man and woman relations. After all, we all a bit looks like animals. ...

3. Type in "[your name] does"
How About "Irena Does the Macarena"?

4. Type in "[your name] hates"
irena hates Focking drama movies & stupid siencefiction hahah.

5. Type in "[your name] goes to"
Irena goes to him in smiling silence, the cat/ spider woman laying a trap for an unworthy opponent. When he kisses her, the curse is fulfilled. ...

6. Type in "[your name] loves"
Irena loves to inspire and share her knowledge with others. She has plenty in store to share.

7. Type in "[your name] eats"
IRENA eats pieces of cake from JOHN’S head until eventually they kiss deeply through this fine dessert.

8. Type in "[your name] has"
IRENA has 75 governments as founding members.

9. Type in "[your name] died"
Irena died in 2003, spending her last 25 years telling her story in schools.

10. Type in "[your name] will"
IRENA will have a high degree of authority.

11. Type in "[your name] never"
Irena never provided them with the answers they brutally tried to obtain, willing to suffer and sacrifice herself in order to protect the children.

12. Type in "[your name] always"
Irena always sings these two syllables at the end of songs or when we say 'bye bye' to toys and now Ella sings that constantly.

Okay, so I'm weird. But then you already knew that.

I'm useless to the world, so posting here....

2009-03-06T21:11:00.006-07:00

If I was awake and aware enough to do it, I might enjoy meditating on the aspects of my job this week that make it enjoyably bizarre.

For example, where else can I sit down and draw cartoons with someone for 90 minutes? (yes there was a serious purpose to it)

...spend a few hours planning a trip to the grocery store, with every skill I could identify in such an undertaking meticulously thought out, and then make it all seem easy when we actually got there?

....run madly around the gym pretending I can play floor hockey?

...have a serious discussion about why requiring people to do a dance every time they walk into the main office would be a very unfair rule?

I worked all that in. In between I fought a cold, projected positive energy into every dusty corner I could find, felt exhausted, felt real, felt like I was surely faking everything, all the time.

Well, I'm glad I'm home. The world feels like an awfully big place right now. I'm glad to get away from it. I want to get away from it. Don't ask me anything, but sit for a moment and listen if you really want to.

Sometimes in moments you look to the past
Searching through pages of time
And you step back deciding
What's foolish, what's wise
Seems so clear in your mind
Never doubting this love from the start

Mothaim thu cognarai
Mothaim thu le cormhairle
Thought I knew it all
No easy way
Mothaim thu cognarai
Mothaim thu le cormhairle
How can we know
What the book of life holds
For us all

(I hear you whisper
I hear you to advise)

Pathways are taken
Some easy, some hard
Seems to matter less now
As you cherish what's dear to your heart

Mothaim thu cognarai
Mothaim thu le cormhairle
Thought I knew it all
No easy way
Mothaim thu cognarai
Mothaim thu le cormhairle
How can we know
What the book of life holds
For us all

Moya Brennan, "No Easy Way"

Musical fun

2009-02-25T19:47:00.004-07:00

I had a wonderful time at band festival on Saturday. We were solid on all our music - not perfect perhaps, but always in control. It sounded good! I was actually quite nervous on stage - my heart was going a mile a minute and Kore said hers was too! Well, that's the first time I've played so much soli euphonium for an audience. When the rest of band would get a bit quieter and the euphonium melodies soared out into space, I felt like the floor had dropped out from under me! hahaha. But it was also a rush. I hope we get to play the four movements at least one more time for an audience, because I would like more people to hear them.

Our adjudicator, Dr. Mark Hopkins, was quite bubbly and seemed to genuinely like what he heard from our band. He is from Nova Scotia. I thought he was pretty awesome. He knew the Second Suite in F very well (he'd been to England and held the manuscript in his hands) and he knew the words to the folk songs it is based on. He actually sang a couple of them so that we would understand the message that is being sent through the music. Apparently Movement 3 of the Second Suite ("Song Without Words: I'll Love My Love") was inspired by a woman singing from the window of an insane asylum! And "Song of the Blacksmith" is about a blacksmith that knocks up a woman (I should have known that, because Loreena McKennitt and others have recorded the song, but I didn't recognize the melody. I was always so focused on the bass line I play in that movement.)

We have, or shortly will have, some new music to learn. One piece that I think we'll try is a Percy Grainger arrangement of "Danny Boy." "Danny Boy" just happens to be the one Irish song that I can't stand. The only version of it that I've ever liked is the one in the movie Brassed Off. Well, maybe it will grow on me. In any case, it requires the euphonium to play the G and A above the staff. I know I can play the G, though I've never attempted it in in a piece of music. The A I'm not sure of. We shall see!

Beautiful Dreams

2009-02-20T17:00:00.005-07:00

The title comes from one of the Rankin Family's new songs, "My Only Wish." Jimmy Rankin dedicated it to his children and one line goes "My only wish is that all of your beautiful, beautiful dreams come true.

I feel lucky working with young people in that I get to learn about some of their "beautiful dreams." I feel like their dreams have changed me. At least a little. Sometimes these days, I get a little shaky just trying to imagine what it will be like watching the 5 of my students who are in Grade 12 at their grad ceremony.

I really do want all of their beautiful dreams to come true. There's so much in the world that can work against dreams coming true. And yet, one of the really amazing things about working with people with disabilities is that they have so much going for them. Drive, personality, ability. I don't even think about what my students can't do anymore. I think about what they can do. I think about it and I try to teach them the things they need to know so they can do what they can do. (And just as often that involves teaching the people around them, too.)

Well, sometimes I teach. Other times, it feels like we are all in the muddle of our own humanity together. We question and wonder and take the time and sometimes they learn something, sometimes I learn something. Sometimes you can put a finger on it and sometimes it's like the first thread woven into a tapestry; you can't see the pattern yet but damned if that single thread isn't going to become something, someday!

I still couldn't tell you exactly how I got into this business but now that I'm in the middle of it, I can honestly say it's one of the most real things I've ever done.

Yearning freedom
The angry man is dreaming
Can he do more
Remembering tears
Memories linger
Your eyes are full of secrets
Can we see deep within
Can we see those dreams

Never lose the faith
From your faded heart
Never lose desire
To drift away

High emotions
Long long road feels empty
Lonely highways
Tormenting my fears
The wind blows
Wherever it pleases
Will we see deep within
Can we see those dreams

Never lose the faith
From your faded heart
Never lose desire
To break the chains

Seas will roll on
Sun will keep on rising
Reasons given
On reaching for hope
Carry moments
No longer for lamenting
I believe deep within
You will see those dreams

Moya Brennan, "I believe(deep within)"

Happy Family Day

2009-02-16T12:00:00.001-07:00

"Oro"

Sends chills up my spine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoId3ijVTps&feature=related

These are the Moments - The Rankin Family returns to Calgary

2009-02-13T08:38:00.004-07:00

The Rankins put on a very enjoyable show in Calgary Wednesday night. Their voices sounded great individually and in harmony.

The house was close to capacity - there were some empty seats here and there but not many. So, there were around 2000 people in the audience. They had another show Thursday, too.

Some highlights for me:

* Never Alone - beautiful touching lyrics and a great song for Valentine's Day which is approaching soon! This song also showcases the sisters' harmonies very well.

* Nothing to Believe In - a very emotional song that really reaches the listener when it's sung live. I was sorry not to hear it on the Reunion tour so I'm glad they decided to put it in this time around.

*Nothing like an Ocean - This tune is just so chilled out. I like to lean back (physically and mentally) and let go of any tension.

*Hopeville / Straight into Love - I like both these songs as they have so much energy and optimism. I like sad songs but then you gotta come back at 'er with some fighting spirit! I know the Rankins have had some good times and bad times in their lives, and I kinda wondered about their overall outlook on life when [i]Reunion[/i] came out. It's heartening to know they can still sing songs like these with total conviction and move the audience.

*Breathe Dream Pray Love - another tender song which really shows off their talents.

Of the older stuff...

The fiddle medleys went over very well. Dancers from the Irwin School of Irish Dance came out both times and performed. The Rankins' neices Kathleen and Frances were part of the dance troupe (and the Rankins' sister Nancy was in the audience too - Heather sent "I Would" out to her. I saw a Raylene look-alike in the audience before the show so I wonder if that was her. ;-)

Cookie, Heather and Raylene didn't dance. Too bad as I'm sure the audience would have gone wild if they did, but perhaps they did not want to compete with the impressive abilities of the Irish dancers! Raylene joked that "those girls can kick as high as we are tall!"

Fare Thee Well Love/ Rise Again got a loud and jubilant reaction, of course, and the faster tunes - Movin' On, You Feel the Same Way Too, Mairi's Wedding, Parlour Medley - had people stomping and clapping along, as well as whistling and shouting. There wasn't any aisle dancing till "You Feel the Same Way Too", however. This isn't too surprising since most of the songs were pop/country and two of the songs that did include Celtic Fiddle featured the Irwin School Dancers.

"Rise Again" got a standing ovation and Jimmy told people they might as well stay standing for "You Feel the Same Way Too!" So after that the crowd got into the party spirit. I went down to the front of the stage for "Mull River Shuffle" and joined the little mosh pit that had formed there. My date was a good sport and followed me ;-) I managed to get some jig steps in, although there was a carpet and I was wearing boots up to my knees ;-)

It certainly wasn't as wild as the Reunion concert at the Saddledome, but a very fun evening out all the same. Hurrah for the Rankins for giving us yet another chance to share their music, relive the memories and make some new ones too!

P.S. Jimmy said that they planned to come out after the concert and meet fans, but I didn't stick around for that - it was after 11pm and there was still such a crowd it would be impossible to see them for more then half a minute anyway. They were selling a few CDs; I didn't see which exactly because there were so many people. Jimmy also promoted WorldVision and if you became a sponsor you also received an autographed CD; but I don't think they were selling the autographed CDs individually.

Thinkingness

2009-02-10T22:04:00.003-07:00

One band rehearsal later, I'm feeling relaxed enough to risk a few insights into myself....

I think I'm experiencing a bit of "caregiver burnout."

The past couple of days I've been very tired after school. I can't think of anything that's particularly more difficult; or any new situation that should be causing more stress. It just feels like every day I'm stretched to the limit.

I'm (usually) very emotionally "present" for my students. This is natural to me; my relationship with them is much more than businesslike. If I sense or see something upsetting someone or being "out of balance" then I will try to dig below the surface and find what it causing it, rather than reacting to the situation. I also project a lot of feeling; I sometimes exaggerate reactions to make a point or for effect. I almost become a mirror for them at times, reflecting back a certain feeling so they see it clearly.

The point is, this takes A LOT of energy.

If I get a positive reaction back from them, say 70% of the time, then not a problem. Occasionally though, one individual will require a lot more attention. Fair enough, I usually give it and make it up to the others (and myself) later.

Case in point: One fellow who was very withdrawn in the beginning is making more of an effort lately. This is great, so I spend a lot of time encouraging it. He's picking up on the fact that um, yes, he actually needs friends and interactions with people, and that maybe sitting at home alone all the time is not the greatest way to live.

He's slowly becoming aware that he has needs. What he hasn't quite figured out yet that other people have needs too, and that maybe he needs to expend some energy making their day go by easier. He also still thinks that the world revolves around him and that it's only fair that the people he happens not to like should disappear.

I was aware of this all along, but only just realized that it really annoys me. I think because I'm seeing progress with this individual I'm actually starting to allow myself to be annoyed at it. Before I was too busy wondering what might be causing the antisocial behaviour, and if there was something I could do about it, to consider that it might be outright selfishness.

Why annoyed? Because I try very hard to behave unselfishly, to be tolerant and patient, and it bothers me when someone else thinks they don't have to bother doing the same (while enjoying my tolerance and patience at the same time).

And taking it on myself to be "good" all the time, I'm the one that ends up tired out at the end of the day.

Yup, interesting.

It's kewl what stuff floats to the top of your head when you step back and get some perspective.

Guess who's coming West

2009-02-09T18:36:00.002-07:00

The Rankin Family flies into Calgary on Wednesday the 11th.

In anticipation (and because I'm too freakin' tired to do anything else right now) here's a couple of videos - a couple of classics from the 90s, and one from their new album. Enjoy.

The video for "Borders and Time" was filmed in Banff, Alberta.

Cue paranoia now

2009-02-05T21:37:00.002-07:00

MySpace on Tuesday revealed it has booted 90,000 registered sex offenders from its popular online social-networking playground.
Attorneys general in several US states took credit for the information going public, saying that a subpoena forced News Corp-owned MySpace to tell them about sexual predators discovered at the social network.

Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal said his office is waiting for a response to a similar court order it sent to hot MySpace rival Facebook.

MySpace about two years ago began using specialized software to track down users with convictions for sex crimes and bar them from the website ... (more)
Thought #1: Geez, I really wanted to know there's 90 000 sexual predators out there
Thought #2: There's something called "Sentinal Technology" that spies on people online? Aie aie aie...

Ten Things Tuesday

2009-01-27T17:22:00.004-07:00

I got this from Elizabeth. I'm not actually sure how it works, but I think you write down ten random things about your day. Memes don't need questions these days! I'm going to use some of Liz's beginnings/endings 'cause I'm tired, dude.

1. Today is a warm sunny day with lots of wind. Or it was till the sun set just now.

2. I will be thinking about Second Suite in F this evening, and maybe Lord of the Rings which I haven't practiced at all in two weeks.

3. I keep finding holes in my socks. Need to get better socks next time.

4. Baking cookies have a happy, warm smell.

5. I'm recovering from two days of first aid training. A hot bath, dinner, and hot chocolate with Bailey's is my recommended way to do this.

6. 100% of the time, I check the caller ID before picking up the phone at home. If I don't know the person I don't pick up!

7. I'm proud of my clean desk at work. I'm tolerant of dirt to a point but clutter I can't bear. Every tabletop must be clear at the end of the day.

8. I'm hoping that I can put up with the rest of the meetings. Not that I'm entirely sure what I'll do if I can't.

9. Sometimes I wish I was out climbing a mountain or something. But then I'd have to go without a bath. Better not.

10. I like shoes, but it's hard to find ones that don't make my feet sweat after 8 hours. In summer I go barefoot any chance I get.

Monday, again.

2009-01-26T17:38:00.002-07:00

And it's cold.

I had First Aid training today and also will have tomorrow. Then it's back to meetings again. Harrumph. Everything is going fine; I just am starting to wonder when I'll get around to doing some real work. Anyway, I'm enjoying the break from mmmmmmmmeetings.

I might do a novel study on Deborah Ellis's The Breadwinner. I was going to do it on Dracula but then my copy of the book went missing. Who knows where. A search of the classroom hasn't turned it up so Plan B it is. Anyway, Ellis's books are really good so it has the potential to be interesting. It just might be more work than Plan A.

I'm also updating my portfolio. It's been kind of fun. It's good to have a file on the stuff that I've done, though life and all the lessons from it are way too messy and complicated to ever fit into a binder, even a big one.

I need some tunes...

Is it going my way?

2009-01-21T16:03:00.003-07:00

The meetings are still going well.

*breathes*

But I'm starting to feel like I definitely have my neck hanging out the window. The view is nice but the wind feels a little chilly sometimes. :-)

Oh well, what else is life for?

News for today

2009-01-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

MIDLAND, Texas – Waving cardboard red, white and blue "W"s, thousands gathered in Midland's town square Tuesday to welcome former President George W. Bush and his wife to their post-presidential home in Texas.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090120/ap_on_re_us/bush_texas_welcome

Monday

2009-01-19T19:34:00.002-07:00

I survived the first day of meetings and fings.

I still think having to schedule people is one of the most aggravating things out there. Right up with ... filling in forms.

Is there an official term for having a phobia of forms? Because I swear I have it. The sight of a pile of forms gives me the unholy creeps.

Luckily, I don't have to do much of that this week. At least, I can't think of why.

Anyway, I am enjoying my evening with Moya Brennan tunes (or is it therapy), and then I will pull out the euph.

A few recommendations for having a good (or better) day:

2009-01-15T20:21:00.002-07:00

Eat a healthy dinner.
Take the time to do something enjoyable (I made cupcakes).
Hot bath to end the day.
Read in bed for half an hour with a leetle nightcap (I had orange juice and rum)
Sleep lots.
Wake up feeling 100% better.

It worked for me. :-)

Somebody turn down the dial.

2009-01-14T16:01:00.003-07:00

So, the past week or so my sensitivity has gone way up....

Not sensitivity to everything; some stuff is probably flying way up over my head.

Just my sensitivity toward anybody complaining/making judgements/asking favours etc. Any slight hint of this makes me feel crushed and burdened. I know it isn't rational; it's just the way it's been.

The main reason is probably that the semester at school is ending and it's the time to take stock of things, pull loose ends together (maybe), plan for the next year, and in my case......

....Talk talk talk with endless people! Everyone from parents to students to current teachers and future teachers to higher-ups in my program to partners to administrators and and and.

It's not that I'm bad at doing this; it's that I've never felt especially talented at it, and therefore am not especially relaxed about it. A time of reflection and evaluation is also perfect timing for my latent perfectionism to emerge from the shadows and make me feel riddled with doubt and anxiety about everything I've done or am supposed to do. Sometimes I just want to crumble like....a good piece of apple crumble.

Incidentally, I have had part of my real teaching evaluation done this semester and it went very well. So I keep telling myself I shouldn't worry, but it's like there's a part of me that hard-wired to worry.

The other factor is I have 2 weeks of work coming up where I'm not teaching. This is great in a way because I can do all the things I know I should do but don't have time for in the ordinary run of things. It's not so great because it means more time to think and thinking doesn't always bring out the best in me. I feel the most confident about teaching when I go with my heart and instinct, with enough intellectual analysis to keep things stable. Thinking too much can just dredge up fears and insecurities. It would be nice if it wasn't that way but sometimes it is.

On the other hand, this could be the year when I find a new way of thinking about things!

Yes, there's a happy thought. And now I'm off.

Welcome New Year

2009-01-11T12:53:00.006-07:00

So, the new year has started decently. One week down, 51 to go. :-) First week back at work was alright, though I'm already thinking about all the dozens of things I have to do. However, I try to keep it in perspective and remember that having dozens of things to do is nothing new. Also I worry about making everybody happy, but then I have to remember that most of the time I do keep people reasonably happy and it's not because I do anything special; I just do things the way I always do and it seems to work out alright. So I must not be too abrasive of a personality, and I must be usually trustworthy.

The Rankin Family is releasing a new CD soon and are touring Canada in February. (I have my tickets!). They have their new single posted on their website and I dig it. It seems like a good anthem for a new year. I tried my best to write out all the words so I can enjoy them. To hear the music, go to http://www.therankinfamily.com/bios.php, scroll down to the music player, and double click the first song "Breathe."

Breathe (Dream, Pray, Love)

The new Rankin Family Single (by Jimmy Rankin?)

Sometimes we cannot see the sun

Sometimes it rains on everyone

Sometimes it all just comes undone

’Cause life’s a mess but beautiful

With unexpected miracles

Like you and I…

That’s why I try

To breathe – like it is my last breath coming

Dream – like I’ll never wake

And pray – like I know a new day’s dawning

Love – like you love me

And time is never on our side

And moments all seem to collide

And it’s a short and crazy ride

I hold on tight, I’ll hold on close

To all the things that mean the most

Like you and I…

That’s why I try

To breathe – like it is my last breath coming

Dream – like I’ll never wake

And pray – like I know a new day’s dawning

Love – like you love me

Breathe, dream, pray, love….

Breathe – like it is my last breath coming

Dream – like I’ll never wake

And pray – like I know a new day’s dawning

Love – like you love me

Good tidings for 2009

2008-12-31T00:00:00.012-07:00

(For the past 3 years I've been doing a Year-in-Review....and I find it kinda interesting. Previous years are posted under Time and Tide.)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

Hmmm, quite a few things actually. I started working full-time at a high school, teaching English and ESL for one semester, then making the jump into special education this year. It's been a better experience than I dared hope for when I first embarked on teaching, so that's been very fulfilling.

I went up to Drumheller and played euphonium in the Canadian Badlands Passion Play. It was my first paid gig, hehehe.

I met somebody wonderful. I like life as half of a partnership.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't make resolutions, but I always have kind of an idea of what I want to do. Let's see what I wrote this time last year:

"I still feel like I could be doing more with my life and using my talents more. I think I'm still afraid of failure in a big way, especially in the career area."
I definitely am doing more and using my talents more, such as they be. My job has a lot of scope to develop relationships, try new things, collaborate, learn, and even take risks and innovate. Sometimes it's scary but now that I've had a taste I like it.

"I need to find ways to really be the person I can be - whether that's in a job, or in personal life, or whatever. It will take creativity and maybe more risks that I took in '07."

Yes, I've taken risks in both personal and professional life and I feel like it's been totally worth it. There's a long way to go yet but there's the potential to build on what I have.

Wow, I feel pretty good about myself now...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Hehe, not this year, but looking forward to somebody's new arrival in 2009.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? Drumheller! Okay it's not another country but it's a neat place. I also visited Ottawa in February and skated on the Rideau canal which was awesome. Beavertails! And there were the annual trips to BC in August and for Thanksgiving which I enjoyed very much too.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? I honestly don't feel like I lacked anything. I've had a lucky and blessed year. It almost scares me because part of me expects a sudden change of luck in '09. But I will try not to be superstitious and continue to have faith in my own self-agency. And I have faith in the people around me - somehow I've gotten to know a lot of great people.

What I would like is to continue to make the most of the chances I've been given. I think I can continue the theme of creative risk-taking. I have a project in mind for work that will be quite challenging but that I really want to make happen. It will take imagination, hard work, leadership, and lots of collaboration. It could be really good or a little bit good or it has the potential to be a disaster, but I am determined to try my best and stick my neck out a little. With any luck the axe won't fall yet. :-)

And of course I have a new relationship and I want to see where that goes, to see if it can be a solid foundation for.....who knows. It is a very exciting time to be alive.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Getting the phone call for my new job (end of January). It was totally out of the blue--from my perspective--and gave me some vertigo.

My first days on the job (February).

Playing music in Drumheller; that experience happened at a pivotal point and somehow stands out at as a milestone.

Meeting Bryan (July) . :-) Lots of etchings on my memory in this area of life - more than I'm going to share :-)

Seeing Moya Brennan perform in Calgary. I'd never heard her before and by the end of the evening I was in complete awe. Her voice and her songs just cut right through me and they have become part of the soundtrack of this year.

Starting my new job (September).

Playing my first euphonium soli in Bronze Band, hehehehehe. I get to play wicked awesome music now.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Hmm, this might start to sound repetitive, but:

* Teaching a course for a full semester and not doing too shabby a job. No emotional breakdown, no disaster, and somehow making a good enough impression that I was offered another job.

*Making it to Christmas break as a special ed teacher, a totally new undertaking! lol

* Making the new relationship work (since July)

* Being a decent friend and person - people seem to appreciate me and what I do, and that means a lot to me (all year)

*Buying my euphonium, Laura Cecily (May)

*Keeping up with my music! Somebody once wrote that being part of a band or orchestra is one of the highest forms of civilized behaviour and I agree. I like being civilized.

9. What was your biggest failure?
No glaring failures stand out. Teaching K and E was a humbling experience, LOL, but deeply meaningful too.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing serious. Getting enough sleep, especially weekdays, is sometimes hard.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Laura Cecily!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

All my students throughout the year; they inspire me with how much they want to learn. I try not to "take work home" but when I think about my students it's often with a smile, so I don't mind.

My Ed Assistant, Beth - she is such a wonderful and talented person and I am lucky to work with someone who has so much teaching and life experience.

My friends - they continue to be good examples...

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Nobody close to me behaved in an appalling or depressing way.

14. Where did most of your money go? Savings, and enjoying myself - I was not adverse to that.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Bryan, music, work.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
"Perfect Time," by Moya Brennan

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Radiant.

ii. thinner or fatter? About the same

iii. richer or poorer? Richer, in so many ways.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I'm happy with all I've done. I could have used more hours in the day, some weeks.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Ok, I spend a lot of time online - but it's my mental break time, so I don't feel that badly about it. :-)

20. How did you spend Christmas? with my family and Bryan.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008? Yes!

23. How many one-night stands? I got something way better.

24. What was your favorite TV program? I didn't watch TV.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No, not much into hating.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Westwinds Bronze band - lots of fun to play more challenging music!

Jill Barber - lovely young Canadian woman just doing her own thing and doing it extremely well!

"'The best songs are the ones that somehow transcend time and fashion,' says Jill. 'They may be old, but they haven't aged. It is that timeless quality I aspire to in my own songwriting.'"

-jillbarber.com

Moya Brennan - a true lady, talented and beautiful.

"Timeless, elemental and carried heavenwards in soulful breath, Moya's voice reaches out to the farthest places but still touches the soul. She sings with an angel's voice, arousing a passion in every listener. Her music refreshes and heals, exciting the senses, bringing a sense of calm to tired hearts.

Always fresh, forever just a dream away, Moya captures the essence of her homeland in all its cascading beauty, mystery and contradictions. Yet she sings from the heart to a world where hope, faith and joy are not just a dream."

-moyabrennan.com

28. What did you want and get? We've been through it all before, but here goes: work, love, music, quality time with the people I care about.

29. What did you want and not get? I'm not going to complain at all!

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Ghost town was cute. I had to wipe tears off my neck so it must have been good.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Turned 29. Ate cake, visited with family, went for sushi with Bryan, and [cut]

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I'm satisfied.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Lots of emphasis on pattern and colour :-)

34. What kept you sane? Bryan, playing music, books, tea, chatting with friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Huh?

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Nothing really. I was so annoyed by the eternal American Election I mostly ignored the news.

I did wonder what they've been smoking in the House of Commons these past months.

37. Who did you miss?

Joolie, after she moved to France....

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Um, take a wild freaking guess....his name appears several times above.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

Have a little faith in your desires (Susan Aglukark)

Bliadhna mhath Ur! It's time for 9.

The Phosphorescent List

2008-12-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

Just before we say goodbye to Christmas for another year, I want to share this article I found today. I'm a relative newcomer to Christmas celebrations and it struck a chord. I also received many personalized and thoughtful gifts this Christmas so I feel lucky to be "understood" by the people who want to give me gifts.

The Phosphorescent List by Harrison Scott Key

Ricky, the enigmatic 12-year-old orphan to whom I’d been assigned as a Secret Santa, wanted three things for Christmas: a fleece blanket, some books, and a glow-in-the-dark basketball. The books were easy: The Call of the Wild and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. So was the blanket. The illuminated basketball was the monkey’s paw, and it would not let itself be found. I knew where one could be procured online, but I didn’t have enough time. The gifts were due at the mission in 12 hours. That deadline would crush the Christmas dream of Orphan Ricky.... (continue)

What a Wonderful World

2008-12-26T12:52:00.001-07:00

(Today is my birthday.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGqiLBusMV8

Christmas in the drunk tank

2008-12-26T00:08:00.001-07:00

Here's a late find....for anyone who's been to too many parties...hehe
Fairytale of New York (with Moya again, of course...)

http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=c1XMAQU-V-0

Joy to the World!

2008-12-24T09:49:00.003-07:00

I wish everyone, wherever you are, a wonderful Christmas season for 2008. Thanks for sharing a very special year with me. Peace, love, joy!

Here's Moya (Voice-of-an-Angel) Brennan to say the rest for me :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Cl5Ji4_iB4

O Holy Night

2008-12-22T09:42:00.002-07:00

Probably my favourite Christmas song of all time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Jr-2eyRtV4

(And this one goes out to Bryan) ;-)

Seven days to go

2008-12-18T22:31:00.002-07:00

Seven days before Christmas, here is Loreena singing "The Seven Rejoices of Mary." Awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElrUgTDFU4Y

(This is dedicated to M.R., tee hee hee!)

Barra MacNeils Christmas

2008-12-15T20:04:00.003-07:00

It's gotten really cold here so I'm looking for music to warm me up. Here's a live clip of the Barra MacNeils singing some tunes from their live Christmas show. I got to see them last month, and they were outstanding. The quality on this is not superb but it gives an idea of their sound and spirit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGLm0In87W0